I debated about posting this…i wrote it yesterday in the moment and wasn’t sure if i should hit “publish”. Truthfully though? I think i needed to write it, and i think some girls need to read it; I believe it can be relatable and hopefully start the conversation of “girl you are not alone”. It’s a little lengthy, but then again sharing your heart is rarely a short lived moment.
. . .
My heart has been heavy lately.
& then i read this post – and some of the things she said resonated deep in my spirit.
On top of that, i read another post about this topic and i’m floored.
I knew i had to talk about it, even if just for myself, to free my mind of some of these thoughts i hold captive. This isn’t meant to come across as a pity party…or even a way of fishing for compliments.
This is my blog and i think it’s right, justified, and needed to talk about how i’m feeling some days. If you don’t like it, or if you think i’m just being “woah is me” then walk away…that’s fine. I won’t judge you or have hard feelings; i just need a place to express and emotionally vomit for a moment – for me.
. . .
As i was getting ready for work yesterday morning my mind was racing.
“What can i wear that will make me look pretty – not heavy – not disgusting like i feel right now.”
I put on this one shirt, that i just bought, and then ripped it off thinking i’m way too bloated for that today. Then i tried on a skirt – nope it didn’t hide what i wanted to hide that morning. Then a dress – yeah that got nixed too. Another skirt – hated it…and then looking at the pile of clothes on my bed, running late, and thinking incredibly hateful things about my body i just threw on a pair of pants and a shirt that would hang loose.
It didn’t help that the day before i was reminded of where i am in my weight and weight-loss journey…at a stand still. I’ve lost twenty pounds so far this year, yeah i’m sure most people didn’t know that, and it’s great and awesome.
but that isn’t enough…
…I still have a ways to go and i just can’t seem to enjoy this small victory because i don’t want to get complacent and put back on more weight.
Enter my internal dialogue
I’m in a wedding next month, and a wedding in march.
I’ll be having to order my bridesmaid dress for the march wedding in about a month.
In my head…that’s terrifying. We went to the shop yesterday to try on some dresses and styles to see what everyone liked….and they had a size 10 in stock. Yeah i’m not a size 10 and haven’t been for many years. It was one of those moments where i get embarrassed…where my confidence hides and i hit this wall of “yeah i’m the big girl in the wedding”.
& it stings that i think of myself that way.
But i power through. I shove myself into the dress, suck it in, and put on a happy “i don’t care that this thing won’t zip” smile and parade out of that dressing room with a “yeah so it bunches, but hey once we get the right size it will look awesome” attitude.
Internally – i feel like crying…i feel like people are judging me, even though they are my friends who love me, that they might be thinking something about my weight or my body. Internally i think they are looking me as badly as i’m looking at myself.
And then i look at my body – and judge myself…rather harshly.
I start picking apart every piece of me that i don’t like. It becomes this vicious cycle that i do and it lasts for some time and then when it’s over i just want to curl up somewhere, cry, and not even think about relationships.
How could someone love this when you don’t even take pride in yourself to get healthier.
I’m trying.
I really am.
I’m eating better, going to a trainer, working out on my own…it’s just taking a while.
. . .
During this process i’ve learned that i’ve put a LOT of stock in what others think of me.
Or the stock i’ve put in what the world defines as “beautiful”.
By the worlds standards – i am not beautiful.
I am plain, overweight, and unappealing.
By the worlds standards – i should be lucky to find a man to put up with me.
By the worlds standards – i fall really short.
I’m having to remind myself that i do not follow the worlds standards.
I do not need to spend time investing emotional energy in even assessing if i measure up to “the worlds standards” because they shouldn’t matter to me.
God’s standards matter
Only His.
& sometimes that is hard to remember.
It’s hard to remember when i’m almost 25 and have been single for 4 years {after knowing what a relationship feels like}.
It’s hard to remember when i’m having an “i feel good about myself” day and walk into a store to go clothes shopping only to walk out empty handed because nothing fit right or they didn’t carry my size.
It’s hard to remember when temptation is knocking on your door promising a better time.
Satan is a vicious tempter.
He will try to rip you apart any way he can.
Whether that’s with distracting you with so many good things.
Or tearing you apart with your own judgement that you hate yourself.
Anything to get you off the narrow road, your eyes away form the prize, and your heart disconnected from Jesus – even if only for a moment.
I hate him.
I really, really hate him and his schemes.
There is a reason he lives in hell.
Yo, Satan, GO BACK TO HELL!
Gah.
Anyways where was i? Oh yeah, measuring myself with standards.
God is pretty clear with His standards.
Love Him – love others.
No where in there does He say: “and be this weight, and have this length of hair, and be up to date on fashion and have a diamond ring on your left hand”. Yeah no, those aren’t His qualifications.
Should we have the best healthy body we can? Absolutely. It allows you to do and go where God has called you. But each persons body is a different level of healthy – some power through health struggles and their level of healthy is different than mine. We just need to make the best of what God has given us.
Hi, i’m Amy.
God has given me a 5’4(1/2) size frame.
Strong, broad shoulders.
Dainty wrists and ankles.
Large birthing hips (babies y’all…babies).
& wild tangled hair.
He has given me a spirit that is not easily crushed.
A strong spine.
A deep-thinking and compassionate mind.
And vocal chords loud enough to yell across 4 lanes of heavy traffic from a 10 story building (not even kidding).
I’ve been blessed with the ability (and responsibility) of being able to speak my mind.
Carrying the weight of loving others no matter where they are.
and always willing to listen to people’s problems.
I am not perfect.
Far from it.
I have my days where i fall into satan’s schemes and hate myself (did you read this post ?).
I also have my days and moments of beautiful clarity where i am reminded that i am a daughter of the King and…man He loves me something fierce.
I know i’m not alone in this struggle.
I know i’m not the only women who battles the demons of self-hate and self-esteem.
So can we, for one minute, take a break from bashing ourselves into the ground?
Because frankly i’m sick of it.
Can we love ourselves and each other, as women, and build each other up?
Can we offer encouragement and loving advice instead of tearing each other down?
Can we help reassure each other how loved we are by Jesus?
Maybe if we did that more often – satan wouldn’t win as many battles as he does.
Maybe if we, loved God and loved others, we would be defeating these demons and healing hearts.
It’s just a thought…but what if…
1) Congratulations on your weight loss. I am really proud of how far you have come and am even prouder that you have never given up. It's so easy to give up when we start to feel this way, but I am inspired by your strength to continue forward instead of lingering on your disappointment.
2) I am currently struggling with this. I lost almost 10 pounds this year and then during the summer managed to put all of them back on. It affected my attitude and my self-esteem and I realized I was being extremely hard on myself. I prayed the other night for the strength to find my motivation again and to stop allowing those negative thoughts to take over. It's helped but it's a work in progress.
3) I think most women go through these vicious cycles. We have our days when we feel so good and then there are the days when we just can't find what to wear because none of it is flattering. I've been there. It's rough and frustrating, especially when you're on your way out the door trying to make it work on time.
4) I firmly believe that when I'm thinking these negative thoughts it is partially my own self esteem and partially satan getting in my head. When we allow ourselves to think these thoughts, we feel bad about ourselves; when we feel bad about ourselves, we become defeated; when we are defeated, we lose faith. Praying for the strength and guidance to deter myself from these thoughts/actions/reactions has helped tremendously this year.
You hit the nail on the head. Sorry for writing a novel, I just really really identified with this post and wanted to share my thoughts. Your faith is an inspiration to me. You are beautiful and as long as you are working on what you feel needs to be worked on, you are doing what you need to do and that is something to be proud of. So many people give up and you haven't. Keep up the good work and one day, clothes shopping won't be so bad.
PS Wild tangled hair rocks. Swear I'm not biased 😉
I love that- God's standards are the only ones that matter. So true and so comforting! Thank you for sharing Amy!
XOXO
Chelsea
http://anchorsaweigh-ouradventure.blogspot.com
Way to go, Amy!!! Congrats on the progress you've seen and being a voice of encouragement. 🙂
I love your honesty. I love the fact that you follow up the hateful thoughts with God's thoughts….I really hate what satan is ALWAYS up to in my life. REALLY! I am sooo glad God is bigger and stronger and always there! I need Him even more than I realize.
Happy weekend. You're seriously beautiful, even when you don't feel like it!
AMEN. AMEN. AMEN. AMEN. AMEN. Is that enough amen's for this post? Probably not, but I'm going to keep typing anyway.
Okay, first of all, I know and feel ya. Growing up I was overweight and I was the biggest girl in my group of friends. I never wanted to go shopping with my friends because that would mean the potential for judgment or size-talk. I hated trying on clothes because the mirrors always made me look terrible (some still do, not gonna lie!), and when we stood for group photos? I was always in the back. Always.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I get you. I'm still trying to lose a little weight. I'm still not the stereotypical "skinny Asian girl" and that stereotype still gets to me some days.
But, like you said, Jesus doesn't make requirements or qualifications for us to be called His. He created us, He chose us, and He continues to choose us despite who we are or who we aren't. We each have our own journeys and we cannot let the world (or even other people define us). We are not the size of our clothes or the zits on our face. We are His.
But let's be honest–like you mentioned, it is hard to live that way. It's hard when we're surrounded by people and the media who tell us otherwise. So I just wanted to say that I'm here for you, girl! And as always, I admire your honesty, your writing skills, and your ability to say exactly what I need to read and want to say. Hugs!!
p.s. You're in the 5'4 range? Girl, we're close to the same height! 🙂
Girl, every word of this post rang true with me. I have felt all of these things myself at one time or another. I don't know when things finally clicked in my head, but I started to believe that God wants the best for us. It won't always be easy, but He does want us to have the best. Girl, I'm 24 (25 in December), living at home, college graduate, no job, no boy (fact: never had one), overweight (first time I've said that) and not happy with the way things are. But, I know that the picture God has of me is a beautiful one. Far from what I see half the time. But, thankfully, God has changed the picture that I see of myself. It's definitely a journey and one that is hard! It's great to know that we aren't alone and have people who completely understand! I'm so glad you wrote this, because it was something that I needed to hear again. 🙂
Wow, girl. Thanks so much for being so vulnerable and sharing your heart. It really is a blessing to read the truth that we are perfect in God's eyes and that He views us as beautiful.
You truly are a gorgeous girl, Amy! I know it sucks not being the weight the world tells you should be but, honestly, it's not realistic! You are YOU! As long as you're healthy, you're doing good.
As a girl with tiny boobs and a honky-tonk-be-donky-donk, I often have moments of insecurity – especially knowing that after I have babies, that honky-tonk-be-donky-donk is gonna get a lot more be-donky-donkey. 😉 Posts like this really remind me that God views me as beautiful! Thank you!
Mommy. Amy, thank you for being open. transparent. raw. Days like that, where you can't seem to find anything you feel good in, they are hard. Sorry you're in a tough spot with it right now. Glad you're looking to the One who will remind you you are priceless 🙂
Wow, Amy. Thank you for being so vulnerable and real. You wrote the words that are often in the minds of nearly every female on this planet, but you didn't stop there … and I think that's the amazing part. It's so easy to have a self-pity, woah is me attitude about our weight/appearance/insecurities, and we all can fall into that lie that we are not good enough, but it is clearly evident that you are trying to cling to your true identity, which is in our Redeemer, Jesus. And that identity doesn't come attatched with a size or body shape. It's unconditional and so beautiful. Thanks for reminding your readers about that, because when those horrible lies are all we hear when we look in the mirror, when we try clothes in the dressing room, or when we look at the other women in the room, it's easy to get swallowed up in shame and anxiety. But when we constantly encourage and remind one another of the beauty and worth that HE has put in us, it gives us hope. SO thank you, Amy, for spreading the hope today. We (women bloggers) could all use it!
You are frankly amazing, my dear!
You are SO far from alone in this. It is sad how many women struggle from this and how many people are in this with you. I was in a wedding in May, another in a month, MY OWN in February and another next June. Trying on all those dresses and putting on a happy face was the hardest thing in the world for me; it made my heart ache and envy. I was wrong to envy and be jealous and be angry, but it's just hard sometimes.
Wouldn't life be easier if sizes were "beautiful" and "gorgeous" and "ravishing"?
I respect your honesty so much. You are certainly not alone in this at all! I compare myself to others waaay too often. It's easy to forget that God made us just the way He wanted us to be. We shouldn't be comparing ourselves to others or the world's standards. Like you said, the only standard that is of any importance is God's.
And congratulations on how far you have come in your weight loss journey! That is fantastic and truly something to be proud of. You are a beautiful and inspiring girl! 🙂
I definitely look forward to your frankly Friday posts girl. I love your honesty. I think we all have moments like these where you just feel more vulnerable… and not so great about ourselves. Satan can really get in our heads sometimes…he knows our weaknesses and tries to pick us apart using what he knows will get to us most. Proud of you for recognizing that these thoughts and feelings are not truly yours, and that God has made you perfectly imperfect!
Screw the world's standards… some human set them anyways. 🙂
love this. our sermon on sunday was about addiction, and one thing he mentioned was addiction to selfish thoughts, including always striving to be better or or perfect. i never thought of it that way, but i'm definitely trying to retrain my brain to let go of trying to fit a mold. love that you're sharing your heart!
I love that you write about the beautiful things about yourself here. I love how you are focusing on things other than just the exterior. This is important and the positive things you wrote about yourself are true. But Amy, you are wrong about your looks. I don't know why you would see yourself as plain. You really are beautiful. I inwardly yes, but also outwardly. I'm not just saying this as your friend who loves you. I am saying it as an honest observer. Your looks are not plain sweet friend. But again, I know that wasn't the purpose of this post. You weren't fishing for compliments, but I just had to correct you on that one thing.
Also, I am still working through my thoughts on how culture affects body image after visiting the beach in Italy. People there just really seem to not be bothered by what others think of their bodies. Men and women and children of all ages and sizes wrote speedos and bikinis. My favorites were the old couples wearing matching bikini/speedo combos. Christopher and I had some really long talks about how we want to raise our kids in light of the culture they will be both into. A place that tells them that beauty comes in one size with no uniqueness. Anyway that probably isn't helpful at all haha… I am obviously still working through my thoughts about it, but I wanted to share anyway. 🙂