it’s 10:12pm on a thursday night as i start this post.
i’m not sure if i’ll keep it in the draft folder forever – or share it with the masses.
but this is one of those moments i just have to get my thoughts out.
i stepped on the scale tonight and saw a number i swore i would never see again.
10lbs over my goal weight – a weight i was at like 2-3 weeks ago.
granted – it’s late at night, i’ve eaten a lot (way more sodium than i should have), i’ve been stressed like crazy, not sleeping, and that means bread has been a close friend.
i can list all of the things i want to justify the weight – and hey, maybe it will be down in the morning.
but the one word that sticks out like a neon light is: failure.
i don’t want to be that.
and to be honest – i’ve been so incredibly slack.
slack in my eating, slack in my working out, slack in loving myself and challenging myself.
so the number shouldn’t really surprise me.
and if i’m being honest – i wouldn’t really care so much about the number if my clothes were fitting properly and i was comfortable in my body – but i’m not.
my clothes are too tight – and the bloat is insane.
i don’t like looking in the mirror.
…this is real talk.
staying healthy is hard work for some people.
and i get a little jealous of the ones who it comes easier to.
i’m on the verge of tears sitting on my comforter.
i’ve worked so hard to get to where i am.
countless workouts, gallons of sweat, so. many. tears, and sore muscles.
and it’s all been worth it.
and i’ve been able to maintain the goal weight for months.
so what has happened?
life, stress, being comfortable, not sleeping or being diligent – it all morphs together to become this cycle of garbage that will pull me back down.
and i don’t want that.
so this is a post about the real part of a weigh-loss journey.
sometimes you just gain.
a pound, or 10 in my case.
and it sucks.
and you want to kick yourself.
and then be comforted by bread.
all. the. dang. bread.
so in the clarity of daylight – and a few days later – i find myself still frustrated.
i woke up the next day and it was only 5-6lbs over – but that is still over and not maintaining or loosing.
but today. today i woke up, weighed myself, took my measurements, ate healthy, and worked out.
it has to be day by day; honestly minute by minute.
to keep it real, i was hungry all day.
it will take a few days (gosh no, maybe weeks) for my body to re-adjust to eating the right portions and the right things.
most people don’t share the ugly of a weight-loss journey.
the nights where you lay in bed and cry.
where cuss words seem to stream out of your mind and mouth in the weight of frustration.
where the enemies lies dig deep into your brain and you can’t shake them loose.
but these days can be just as normal as the good days.
days where you hit that extra rep, where you run further, where the weight-lifting gets easier.
so don’t loose heart.
and yes, i’m saying that to myself.
the days that suck, they will happen – it’s part of life – not every moment is peachy.
but it’s how you get through them.
or as my one of my favorite movies, and characters Rocky Balboa would say…