DISCLAIMER:
I wrote this post about a month ago and with the blog re-design it’s just been sitting in my drafts.
I debated even posting it because it sat for so long but after talking to my sweet friend Kiki I just knew I had to share it. Sometimes it feels like ‘the moment has passed’ and what good is it to put some emotion-filled post out there if you’re no longer IN those emotions fully. The truth is, I still feel this way, today I just happen to feel a little brighter.
I’m not sure how to start this post, or even how much I want to share.
The blogging world has changed so much and it’s morphed itself into this place where being authentic is needed but you’ve got to be cautious of how much of yourself you share. Yet I find myself feeling this need to type it all out, to crack myself open and just let the words flow.
The other night I found my face in the crook of Eddie’s neck crying and releasing some of my current frustrations and fears.
I feel 100% inadequate and maybe you’ve picked up on it.
I’ve been making blog posts about comparison, hinting to my feelings on instagram, and even just stepping away for a few days to try to gather my thoughts, and I still find myself hiding them.
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“I think it has to do with the season of life I’m in and it’s a season of confusion, unknown, struggle, and chaos and I just don’t know that people want to hear that because it could come across as whiny or woe is me OR that people would even want to read that.”
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This season of life has been a complete challenge.
I married the love of my life, moved away from everything I’ve ever known to start something new, exciting and confusing. I went from working a 9-5 job, providing for myself, having my own schedule and being responsible solely for me to a life where I’m not working in the traditional sense, I’m meeting new people and learning who to trust, and have seen a lot of change happen. I’ve said it a few times but in the last 2 years I’ll have moved 5 times with a potential for a 6th move next year and that has been exhausting. I’ve always been this creature of habit; I thrive on schedules and lists and order – it’s that Type-A personality shining through and yet here I am thrown into a chaos of no clear schedules and no definite yes or no answers 99% of the time.
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“I’m seeing all of these people around me thrive…and I can’t help but feeling like I’m wasting away doing absolutely nothing of substance. I’m just in a mentally and emotionally weird place.”
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I’ve embraced a lot that this life has to offer.
There is so much beauty and abundance in it – so much good comes with the life of being a military spouse. I get to see new areas of the country I may have never seen, I am forced to step out of my comfort zone and travel and then meet some amazing and life-changing friends who fill my heart to the brim. It also puts me in a mindset of cherishing the time I do have with my husband and family, both are fleeting and not as often as I would like. It’s forced Eddie & I to go from the beginning stages of marriage to feeling like we’ve been walking this road for 10 years and face hard stuff. It’s spurred A LOT of inner reflection and growth.
But it’s still hard.
I struggle with sharing my vulnerabilities…to the extent that my heart wants me to.
There are days when I just want to speak in circles, like a broken record, on how hard this has been.
One of the things I learned in counseling is that I don’t allow myself to feel feelings often; It’s a matter of self preservation with what I’ve walked through in my life. So I hardly recognize internally and externally where my feelings actually are and when I do force myself to check in I can be overwhelmed by what I find.
I’ve found myself feeling absolutely worthless.
I look in the mirror at the life I’m living and wonder what the purpose of it is – what am I doing with my time, with my marriage, with my friendships, with our money, with my work. That sense of not having a purpose is a hard pill to swallow and then the comparison creeps in. My following numbers on social media and readership is just so “small” in comparison to other bloggers and I feel like a failure. This is part of my business and here I am flopping around failing and creating crappy content that isn’t instagram or pinterest worthy. I feel like no one wants to read anything that isn’t a how-to / diy / travel post and my words really have no value. My photography is slow – I feel like I create beautiful heirlooms for people but am not getting booked for sessions like I desire. My friendships from back home are going to have to be faced and a lot of them have changed and diminished and withered away and I’m going to have to start over.My husband and I aren’t praying/ doing devotionals/ cuddling/ reading books together/ having deep conversations like we should be or like couple XYZ is having. I feel like we should be doing this list of unrealistic and unknown things to prepare for time apart and deployment. I find myself waging war between wanting to cling to him like a leech and preparing/protecting myself of a season of distance.
ALL of those thoughts just came crashing down on me and the fears streamed down my face like waves crashing into each other.
Eddie ran his fingers through my hair and comforted me for a long time before simply saying “I’m not sure what to say to you, other than I love you and you have value.”
The weight was momentarily lifted but I’m not naive enough to think it’s all been worked through, that’s going to take some time.
So I guess this is where I’ve got to be honest with y’all.
I’m not sure what I’m doing here.
I’m not sure what direction I want to go in, or what kind of content I want to create, or what the next year looks like. I know that I’ll be having some of my fun posts still come up when they do with traveling, fun diy projects I’m trying, home stuff, and even recent buys or finds because that is part of my life and I love sharing it. I guess I’m more so stating that I want to share more of my heart, more of these struggles I’m walking through and I hope that you’ll walk along side me. Whether that’s opening up about life as a military spouse, my weight loss struggle and journey, my marriage, my thoughts on community, etc. Selfishly I don’t want you to go anywhere, I want and sometimes need your support, but I’m also learning that I just need to get back to this place of sharing with you where I’m at in my journey, in this space.
If you’ve made it this far, you’re amazing, truly.
Thank you for listening and comforting me, You’re the real MVP.
