I mentioned yesterday on Instagram that my Thursday morning was just weird.
It started off really great, I was up early, got some house-hold chores done, made a cup of green tea and was ready to soak in some education on a beloved topic, Boudoir Photography. The call was entitled 8 Tips for ……… and I had my webinar / education notebook out with the date & title written and my mind was ready to go. The speaker said it would be a 45 minute webinar; an HOUR later she still hadn’t gotten to the tips. It had been all about her pitching her business, which sounds amazing but is way out of my price range, and when someone asked when she would get to the tips she explained that they were IN her class that you would have to pay for, which was why she was doing this whole webinar to sell you on the class.
To say I was frustrated would be an understatement.
I just spent an hour of my morning hoping to be educated and left feeling like I wasn’t good in my businesses and that I didn’t learn anything new. I then proceeded to spiral down this long rabbit hole of well why am I even still blogging or taking photos, I hardly get paid for either. I actually recently posted about this and that feeling is STILL lurking around. I’ve been blogging for about 8 years, longer if you count xanga, live journal, etc (YEAH!), so you could say I’m seasoned. I was here before the big boom when becoming an influencer meant a paycheck and it was all about your instagram following, your google analytics, and if you were the “right fit for a brand”. I was here when it really was community over competition and you made real friends and had real conversations about your life and your struggles – one of the main reasons I brought back the ETSY SWAP (**sign ups close tomorrow!**) – I love the rawness and community that comes with blogging.
Yet I found myself messaging Meg that I don’t even know why I do this anymore.
I feel this pressure to make money with blogging, and sometimes I do but it isn’t daily, or even monthly. I feel this push to make money with my photography, and again sometimes I do! Yet with all the moving we’ve been doing, my focus shifts away from the businesses and to my life, as it should, yet my numbers drop, I loose clients, and I’m left feeling like why should I even pick it back up. Yet here I am, on a Friday morning typing out my heart to let you know I don’t have it all together. Working on the back-end of my new photography website that I hope to finally hit publish on this weekend because it’s going to be so dang pretty. I still have a notebook full of blog post ideas and find myself reading blogs and playing catch up while binge watching TV at night with my husband. The passion is still there.
Yet, as I was telling Meg, I feel this pressure to make money. In fact what I actually said was “Not having a “real job bringing in money” has made me feel very small and insignificant and stupid.” OOPHF I feel so privileged to say that and then I feel even worse saying that. It’s this vicious cycle. I’ve had a job since I was 15, worked as a life guard, then a receptionist, then a receptionist and in retail, then retail and youth ministry, then youth ministry and another reception job, then a more corporate demanding job all while still blogging / doing photography on the side. When Eddie and I got married and I moved away to Maine in the middle of winter I didn’t look for a job, I was there 4 months and no one was really hiring during the winter season. We moved to Connecticut because of a Navy schedule change and I was only there for a few months before up and moving again. Since getting to San Diego there have been EVEN MORE changes and while yes, I could have gotten a part time job but the cons outweighed the pros. So I sit here and take care of our home, cook the meals, do the cleaning, and try to pursue these passions that I have. Yet my numbers don’t change, clients aren’t in the hundreds, and I’m told that makes me not relevant or a good candidate for xyz. I get that I should just let it roll of my back, but right now, RIGHT NOW, I’m struggling. I have so much joy for those who are succeeding; for my friends who work tirelessly and are reaping the rewards of their work. I’m happy for those who start and have instant organic growth, that’s huge and shows that it was the right step for you! I just find myself sometimes whispering in the quiet, well, why not me?
We all have those why not me moments – no matter if it’s in business, love, children, sorrow, joy…we all have moments of comparison and envy. It’s a human emotion, not a good one, but it’s there. WHEW. I just took a nice big deep breath and just writing all of this out has me feeling so much better. HA. I probably sound a little crazy, venting all of that out, and now saying I feel lighter. I still feel what I wrote up there, but expressing it feels good too. I guess it’s good to just step back and remember that we’re not going to have it all together.
PS – I wanted to share a glimpse into my little home office.
It’s pretty crowded in here but it gets the job done and I love having a space I can come into and be in “work mode” and attempt to cross off all of my to-dos. I even took a little bit of time and cleaned it up for these photos! What you don’t see (aka what’s in the hallway) is my extra printer box, this one just died and I haven’t replaced it, my poshmark clothes to sell box, and then random stacks of papers I don’t know what to do with.
Curtains – World Market (similar)
Dresser – IKEA
Desk – My grandma’s old entry table
Work Bench – Eddie built
Chalk Board – Eddie built