I’ve felt the need to do a heart check post for a while now and finally sat down to just word vomit it all out. It feels good to have some down time, peel back the layers, and be honest with myself and give y’all a peek into my crazy mind and heart.
It’s such a conflicting feeling to be back in my hometown; don’t get me wrong I am SO HAPPY to be there, but it’s different now. When I left Charleston I left my family, friends, job, home, and everything I ever knew to be home. Now that I’m back I am looking at it with different eyes and a different perspective. I thought I would be able to come back and kind of roll into the routine I used to have and I wouldn’t have to do what I’ve been doing for the last two years, re-building, but that was a pipe dream. I am going to have to re-build here. I need to look into doing DIFFERENT things, finding new ways to enjoy my downtime, seek out new adventures, try out new places, find new people. I will fully admit though, that doing this without my person right now blows. I will also admit that I am loving being near my family again, especially my brother and his wife. It’s great to be able to build those relationships face to face.
I’m currently in San Diego spending some time with Eddie before a long season apart. We are doing ok. I’m not going to sit here and say “We’re the absolute best marriage in the whole world and you should admire us”. NOPE. We’ve been a part a lot in our marriage and it has caused us to feel like we’ve been married for 10 years and simultaneously for like barely at all. We do a whole lot of good-byes and oh, hello’s, and it’s a constant back and forth emotionally and you can find it hard to just be in the moment. Military spouse life was not what I expected it to be and it definitely weighs on your marriage. Now that we’re together again we have to learn how to talk to one another, invest in each other, spend quality time, manage expectations, etc all when we’re about to say goodbye/see you soon for many months. It’s a lot weighing on me emotionally and I’m sure it’s weighing on Eddie too. I find myself comparing us to others more than I should and then I feel convicted for that comparison. Jesus is whispering reminders that this is OUR marriage, not someone else’s, and we are in a season not a forever. Even still, it’s hard to see instagram / facebook posts where couples are enjoying their time with one another, going on new adventures, and just reading books together. I feel like we aren’t as close as we should be, but those are just lies of expectations that will do more damage than good. We are exactly where WE need to be for THIS season of our lives and our marriage.
Y’all. It’s bad.
I was doing really good the start of the year. Making time every morning for prayer, walking through a Bible Study, and being more mindful of my attitude and language. YET lately I haven’t been there. I don’t make time for Bible study or prayer, I am letting more colorful language fall from my lips, and I have noticed a rise in selfish behavior and attitude. I need more of Jesus but I’m not seeing Him out. So, if you pray, please pray for me.
Blogging / Photography
These are slowly moving forward.
I’m still figuring out the path for A Loved Life. One of the reasons why I did my 2019 Reader Survey was to see what people enjoyed reading (I am going to share those results soon!) and the type of content I want to start creating more of. One of the overwhelming statements was that you enjoyed my authenticity (thank you) and honesty. So, that’s one of the main reasons I’m doing this post, to share where I’m at in life and to A. show you that you’re not alone and B. be reminded I’m not alone.
A Love Photography is going well. I have really honed in on what I love capturing and am building back up my clientele after all the moving around! I absolutely LOVE capturing the fierce beauty of women and the heart-stopping love of couples. Which means I mainly focus on female portrait work (bloggers, bridal, mile-stone/success sessions, empowerment sessions, themed sessions), boudoir work (my favorite!), and couple sessions/elopements. Building this brand is all about marketing and word of mouth and I’m learning more and more how to not only do those things but how to cater to my clients better.
This is actually a really hard section for me to write, mainly because I struggle with hurting people’s feelings. The truth is, friendships are really hard for me right now and I feel really guilty saying that. I have lost some friends over the last few years and it really hurts me that it’s come down to that. I’ve also been able to maintain some friendships back in Charleston since I’ve been gone but those have changed too (life changes Amy, duh). I made some amazing Navy-Wife friends when I was living in San Diego and now that I’ve moved those change some too. I guess I just feel like I’m let down and I’m letting others down. I mentioned to one of my friends that “I never ask for comfort or help or even pity, but right now I feel like I need a little comfort and extra help”. It’s an odd place to be at and to admit that to myself and to others. We all know that friendships change as you get older; everyone has life commitments that pull them in 1,000 different directions and sometimes you just don’t have the time to invest in others. I am guilty of this myself and I know I have let people down. I guess I’m just expecting too much with friendships or maybe I’m just having to re-build in new friendships and re-invest in the tried and true ones. I feel guilty saying “I feel alone” when I have had some great friends stick by my side and I’m sure I hurt their feelings when I say that. Ugh. All in all, it is weighing heavy on my heart.
Bringing Me Joy…
I think it may be easier to just make a list, because let’s be honest, I’ve got A LOT of paragraphed words up there. 😉
- Spending time with Eddie. It’s much needed.
- Cat Videos.
- Quiet mornings.
- New books.
- Spending time with family, especially my brother & his wife.
- San Diego activities with my girlfriends! We are super active when we are together and always finding something to do, it makes me happy!
- Going for walks and listening to Podcasts / Audio books.
- Apples + Almond butter.
Weighing Heavy On My Heart…
- Time apart from Eddie with little to no communication. I’m nervous about it all and trying not to think too much about it.
- I still miss Tobi a lot. I find myself tearing up / crying at least 3x a week when I think about him. I know I can never replace him but man I miss having him around.
- Finances. Isn’t that the case with everyone? I’ve got some budgeting goals coming up that I’m hoping will help take the stress off my shoulders.
- Friendships. As mentioned above.
- My weight. I’m really struggling to get the motivation to loose weight and then when I do get it, and try, nothing comes of it. When I get back to Charleston I’ve got some new things I want to implement and I hope to track my progress here.
Goals While Husband Is Gone
I’ve been making a little list and here is what I’ve come up with so far.
- Meal Prep + Food Budget.
- Be able to do a split (weird right, but so fun!).
- Read 2 books a month.
- Loose weight (hopefully 30lbs).
- Try something new every month. (This can be a new restaurant, a new town, a new event, a new food, a new workout, etc.
So there you have it friends, a little heart check for this Monday morning.
Which now leads me to the question, how are you?
No really, I want to know, HOW ARE YOU?