“I’m going to get back on track…”
I said to myself last night after a picture was posted of me. I hosted book club at my house and we took a group photo and after it was posted I found myself on the verge of tears…a few may have spilled over. I. Look. Massive. Now listen, this isn’t a pity post it’s just a self reflection of what I was thinking / feeling / am processing as it all unfolds.
I found myself staring into the mirror, turning sideways, and feeling disgusted with where I’m at.
“I’m going to get back on track…”
As I packed my breakfast and snacks this morning and logged them in as I ate them.
“I’m going to get back on track…”
As I came home from work and ate soup, pumpkin seeds, then rice cakes. I then went for a long walk at a local park and got home and ate more…edamame and the last slice of chocolate chip peanut butter banana bread I made the other night. If i’m honest it was easily 2 slices that I ate because the last piece was large.
“I’m going to get back on track when…”
^ This is a phrase I’ve been repeating to myself for a few years.
A. Solid. Few. Years.
…when we move to maine.
….when I move to Connecticut.
….when I move to San Diego.
….when i get into a routine.
….when I sleep more.
…when we are over the move and I’m settled into Charleston.
…when Eddie deploys.
…when I get out of my sadness.
…when I get back into a routine.
…when eddie gets home…..
Just last night I was telling Eddie how frustrated I am in my clothes, in my weight, in my skin. Last night, when I was having a picture taken of me I stood up straighter and sucked in. I haven’t done that in a few years and it really took me back to the insecure, belittled, made-fun of Amy that was tormented for my weight for a very long time and the biggest bully was myself. I haven’t posted any real photos of myself recently because I am so disappointed in my current physical state.
I find myself scrambling and struggling to find the warrior in myself that I’ve had before. The beast of a woman who stuck to a healthy eating regimen and worked out 1-2 hours 5/6 days a week. I saw her for a while, I was her for a solid year and a half and got in the best shape of my life around age 25. This weight loss journey has truly been hell. I gain, I loose, I maintain, I gain, I loose a little, I maintain. I know, I KNOW, this will be a lifelong battle for me but dang if turning thirty-one doesn’t slap you in the face with “Hey woman, take care of your body, your temple you’ve been blessed with.”
Working at a gym brings a good balance of self confidence and self loathing. #JustKeepingItReal
I am surrounded by people who are chasing after their health. They are diving into that inner strength and showing up to strengthen their minds, their bodies, and their lives. Let me tell you something about that, it’s encouraging. It’s encouraging to know the circumstances of people’s lives and see them SHOW UP ANYWAY to clear their mind and build up their health. YET, I also find myself playing that gosh-awful comparison game. I watch the eyes of others travel over the weight I’m holding in my belly. I feel self conscious in my tight fitting athletic wear showing them around the facility. I joke that I’m sure it makes me approachable to those who are getting started or back into their fitness journey but that’s just being self deprecating. I feel like a fraud, a fake, a pretender in an arena of professionals. Overly dramatic, OF COURSE, but they are still thoughts that run through my head on the daily.
What is it Paul said in Romans?
For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.
– Romans 7: 15-17
Yup.
Even though I hate it, I keep doing it.
I keep eating more than I should, eating things I know mess with my body, not working out, not going to bed when I should and getting enough sleep, mindlessly eating….I just keep going on when I should stop.
It’s definitely a sin issue – and as a Christian I don’t really admit that part of it. I just brush it off as a weak area of my life that I need to fix. Versus staring it in the face for what it is, sin, and knowing that only when I lay it at the feet of Jesus can I find freedom. That freedom will come in self-discipline and self-control, it will come in energy and motivation, it will come in learning to love myself, my whole self, again.
Here is is friends, I need prayer and I need accountability. If you have my fitness pal and want to follow each others food diaries, if you want to do a weekly weigh in together (i have a fb group), if you want to track workouts – reach out. I need a tribe, I need people, I need forgiveness, and I need to be honest with myself.
For my record – as of today I am sitting at 170.4lbs.
This needs to the the last time I see that number.
I’m getting back on track and it starts with…
- Prayer
- Food logging
- Tracking workouts
- Listing at least one positive thing about myself, TO myself daily
- Saying no to things for a season
- Listening and accepting the encouragement of others when they build me up
- Taking my measurements and weight once a week.
I’ll admit, putting this post out there is terrifying. I know people will read it, bring it up, and I’ll have to face the music. I know that in hitting “publish” I’m saying I’m making a change vs hiding behind the attitude of “I just don’t want to” when truth be told I REALLY NEED TO. So thank you for your grace, for your accountability, for your push, and for your encouragement in advance.
Where are you getting back on track?
How can I help?
