Every time I hear the word “pivot” I can’t help but think of that iconic Friends scene with Ross, Rachel, & Chandler…seriously, it’s just so good and makes me laugh.
That being said I’m in a season where I’m not really laughing with all the things. I’ve been saying this a lot recently and it really does bug me that I seem to be portraying this eeyore attitude of a cloud following me around. I do not want to be this glass half empty type of lady and I would much rather look at things as an opportunity for growth vs an opportunity for stagnation. Some friends and I have been discussing long-suffering and what it looks like and why we have to go through it sometimes. None of it is really easy to hear, but it sure is comforting to be reminded that we all have hard seasons and none of us really like them. 😉
For me this is a season that has many layers and those layers sometimes bleed together and at other times it’s just one flaking off at a time. The thing I’ve become to realize about long suffering is it opens up old wounds that you now have to deal with AND it also teaches you that you’re either a person who pivots or you’re a person who stands still.
I want to be a woman who pivots.
When life happens, when long suffering happens, when I don’t know what is going on I want my response to be: go to Jesus, and pivot in the direction He shows. I don’t want to stand there staring at the raining clouds and feeling like I’m drowning.
So what all is going on?
I’ve been having this hip pain for about a month and a half now that I just would kind of baby here and there and then get right back into workouts. On days I felt good I would workout then would kind of hobble around the next few days until I had another good day to workout. I would push my body because workouts are my equalizer. I struggle with food but NEVER struggle with workouts and my body just continues to amaze me at the beating I give it.
Then it all changed.
I went to the doctor this past week and was told that I have Trochanteric Bursitis which is a big word for inflammation and pain of the hip. I’m not going to lie, I totally said to the doctor “I’m 31, bursitis sounds like I’m 80” and he laughed and told me it’s much more common than we know from overuse and over extension. My body finally said “Amy, I’ve had enough”.
When I asked the doctor what the plan is to get back into my workouts he said “I need you to rest for 4-6 weeks, ice, and look into your inflammation with some anti inflammatory meds and foods.” I kind of stared at him then said “I do not know how to rest. Tell me what I can and can not do.” He basically told me that I can do zero activity (not even my 2-3 mile walks) and I can do some yoga/stretching as well as some upper body work.
As lame as this sounds, I wanted to cry. Working out is so good for me mentally even when I DO NOT WANT to workout. It helps me to feel better about myself.
Then I started to really ponder ^ that thought. Why does working out make me feel better about myself and food makes me hate myself. I was driving to work this morning and it kind of dawned on me, FINALLY, that I need to pivot. I need to change my perspective and instead of looking at this as “I can’t workout so I’m going to gain weight” I need to look at this as “Here is my opportunity to really learn and practice nutrition”.
I mentioned recently that I’ve been learning more about counting macros and I’ve been putting some of it to practice but starting today I’m really going to plug in everything I eat into my fitness pal. I’m then going to spend some time this week finishing up reading the educational part of the book I bought and then look at some of the recipes to try. I get stuck in food ruts a lot but now that I can’t really exercise like I’m used to I need to look into the food I’m eating and if it’s adding to the inflammation or relieving it. I also need to pivot on the way I’ve been approaching exercise and use this time as a time to learn new exercise.
. . .
I’ve also really been struggling with the separation from Eddie.
I made a post on my instagram stories recently which always leaves me feeling a little raw and exposed as people can assume, be judgy, or just don’t understand. I also just really struggle with showing weakness and being perceived as weak (It’s that Enneagram 8 characteristic that blows). By the time it’s all said and done Eddie and I will have lived apart for about 14 months. That’s a LONG time considering we’ve only been married 3 years in January. Six of those 14 months were a deployment and then there have been plenty of underways mixed in there as well (meaning they are gone under the water with little to no communication except an occasional email).
It’s been tough and my initial reaction to protect myself is to numb out but then I’m reminded of all the years of counseling and that I need to feel the feelings and then I don’t know HOW to feel those feelings or process them so there are many moments where I feel overwhelmed by it and kind of melt down. Amy melt downs are usually lots of venting, some crying, and a smidge of a pity party. It’s not pretty or fun.
I’m hopeful though. 2020 is going to be some time where Eddie and I can reconnect and invest in our marriage in a way we haven’t had the opportunity to do since it started. I’m trying to use the end of this season of being apart to cultivate goodness in myself and stoke the fire of encouragement for my husband. It’s felt really lonely and isolating and while there will be a period of adjustment I’m ready for the struggles that will bring. I’m just ready to be hand in hand again, annoying one another, and creating habits that will bring good things and strength to our marriage. It’s those little things I long for.
. . .
Change is hard my friends.
Pivoting is hard.
Yet instead of withering away from frustration or fear of the unknown it’s time to stand tall and see that this can be good.
Hard things are refining and change can bring new growth.
Pruning hurts but it’s good and needed to thrive and flourish.