Now that i’m past this point i feel like i can openly write about it without having an internal freakout. 😉
The engagement period is a beautiful thing – it helps you to delve even deeper into your relationship and gives you time to contemplate and pray over your future together.
It can also be tough as nails at points; but people never talk about that.
They talk about the bridal showers, engagement showers, wedding planning, loosing weight, fixing your skin, making a guest lists and maybe JUST MAYBE you should do 3-4 sessions (aka hours) of premarital counseling to talk about finances, sex, children, and communication.
Well, i’m here to burst your bubble – it isn’t like that, at least not all the time.
At first i thought it was only me.
Like AMY had the problem and no other woman or man has walked this path.
Then i started opening up about it to my accountability group and to other women and to my counselor and you wanna know what i heard? This is normal. All of it – i wasn’t just being weird, these things happen.
Ok, so what is “this” that i’m talking about?
Doubt.
It started creeping in with Eddie and I being long distance and apart.
I started hearing these whispers of lies spill in and i started to wonder – is he the right person? Am i making a mistake? What if we suck at marriage together? What if he falls out of love with me or me with him?
Doubt upon doubt upon doubt just creeped it’s way in.
It became this weird battle – because i KNEW that the doubt had no footing, it was all lies from the enemy, but my anxious little heart still sometimes believed it.
Where was Eddie in all of this you ask?
Right next to me, never wavering.
We talked about it a lot and i’m sure internally he wanted to shake the crap out of me – but he was constant.
He continued to remind me of his love for me, and my love for him. He showed me compassion, patience, and so much grace. He encouraged me to continue to pray about it – to talk to the Lord and get to the root of my fears and doubts. I remember feeling so….alone in it though. Like Eddie was so steadfast in his love for me – and here i am being stupid and doubting it.
The more i wrestled it – the more i saw it for what it was: an attack.
A complete and utter lie that was attempting to break apart a plan the Lord had for me.
I’m not sure if it’s taboo – and i know that not EVERYONE walks through it (i mean Eddie didn’t at all) – but it happens, and it happens a lot. It doesn’t mean you love the person any less, or
that you shouldn’t get married, but it’s a huge life decision that shouldn’t be walked into lightly.
You should pray about it, seek wise counsel, and really invest in one another to get to the deep stuff before saying your i-dos.
Eddie and I did a 13 week in-depth pre-marital counseling to really talk about things in detail with a third party to dig a little deeper. I truly believe it was so beneficial for us to discuss things on a deeper level and figure out solutions and how to address them now before they just pop up within our marriage. I know it’s not a solve-all solution – but it’s a great start.
It also helped to put any doubt i had to bed.
It shows me how the Lord has truly woven Eddie and I together in a short period of time.
(we’ve been friends for 2 1/2 years – but only dated this time around for 5 months- you can read more here).
So this is me opening up to you, keeping it real and addressing something that i never see on pinterest or blogs. I’m here to tell you that doubt happens – before your married and from what i’ve been told even after your married. There will be great days – full of joy – and there will be hard days; but love is a choice, and staying committed is a choice.
So if you find yourself doubting – line it up with scripture and seek out wise counsel.
Find out if this is an attack from the enemy and it is based in lies – or if it is red-flags of truth finding their way to the surface.
Then address it – don’t let it fester and hide in the dark place; bring it into the light and see it for what it is: lies or truth.
[…] Well as you know, it did end up happening, I met Eddie and we are now married; but the story wasn’t this smooth sailing fairy tale, in fact Eddie would tell you it was the hardest season of his life to pursue me. I’m such a catch. ???? Even our engagement season was full of hard thoughts. […]