Frankly Friday…v2

What is Frankly Friday? 

Let’s define Frankly shall we…

Last week i talked about holding onto my past in attempt to make me feel whole. 

I just want to say, thank you for all of your incredible encouragement. I was blown away by the heartfelt messages and sincere responses i received. Y’all made me cry :). THIS is what i wanted Frankly Friday to be about; a place for people to come together, be honest and be supportive…YAY. 

. . .

Let’s get down to what’s going on in my life. 

here. 

This is one of my favorite worship songs.

I’ve become very aware in the last few months how incredibly not good i am. 

I know, i know we all have our off days, but sincerely i’m sometimes just really, really sinful. I can be angry, selfish, greedy, lustful, brash, hateful, and {insert any other adjective here}.

There are days when i’m just completely numb to the fact that my relationship with my Creator is just…meh. 

When did i become this way? 

When did i loose the sparkle in my eye, the joy in my heart, and the calmness in my voice?

When did i allow Satan to triumph over the very essence of my being? 

It’s like i’ve been walking around empty…bone dry; as if i’m in the dead of winter surrounded by frigid cold and so desperately wanting to be a furnace yet i’m getting snuffed out.

I’m allowing myself to become empty without even putting forth effort to become whole again.

This is dangerous. 

I can not even begin to explain how dangerous these waters are that i’m treading. 

I know because i’ve been here before…but never this long. 

You {God} are good, when there is absolutely nothing {nothing} good in me. 

I realize that. 

More importantly i know and believe that. 

I suppose the struggle comes from being complacent. 

There in lies the trap, when complacency enters the picture…it takes brute GODLY strength to break free, to be free from that bondage.

Yet our flesh, our sinful nature, wants us to believe that we can’t survive without the emptiness. That on the other side there is this unknown that will let us down, just like everyone else. It’s easier to stay wrapped in the security of an absently numbing struggle than to break free and live a life where you’re aware of the battle. 

Is any of this making sense? 

It’s easier sometimes for me to stay in the security of pain and numbness than to actually break free and deal with the pain that has been plaguing my heart.

It’s always easier to sweep things under the rug—that’s the cowards way out. 

I’m over being a coward. 

 Are you? 

I miss my joy.

. . .

here. 

Happy

|ˈhapē|

feeling or showing pleasure or contentment

I think, I know i so often put on a front that nothing is wrong and that my life is well…blissful. While that is true some days, most days i have yet to deal with the issues God has been lovingly assuring me i can deal with. When i don’t deal with them, when i shove them down, when i forget they are there i continue to build foundation less walls over the issue, only creating a more unstable, dangerous, and catastrophic mess. 

Praise God i don’t have to deal with it alone. 

I know what Happiness is…i know what it feels like to have unexplainable and completely Christ given joy exploding out of me. 

I know the resonating love that comes from letting go and embracing freedom. 

Yet in my sin i run from it…

I’ve missed being joyful. 
I’m excited to have it back.

. . .