it’s been a while since i’ve really broken down and been honest.
i’ve had a few people tell me recently that they feel like they really connect with me through my honesty and my frankly friday posts.
well – i suppose it’s time to peel back another layer.
the question becomes how many layers do you peel back – how much do you really share with the world – because this is public.
but if i’ve learned anything it’s that being honest, authentic, and real with those who you desire to connect with is appreciated and needed.
i can write about fluff, take a lot of pictures, and share with you my latest favorites – but what am i really telling you about ME?
so let’s pull off the blinders, grab a cup of something warm, and dig our heels in.
and while we’re at it – can we put aside judgement and put on compassion and grace?
man – that would be awesome, thank you.
come sit with me…
so life lately:
it’s been rather messy.
messy in a good way because restoration, grace, and beautiful redemption comes out of the ashes of something if you allow it.
messy in a bad way because i’ve made some pretty slack choices and have allowed myself to get to a place where i hardly recognize myself.
to pull an excerpt out of a recent journal entry:
hmmm…not the happy-go-lucky amy i’ve been portraying eh?
truthfully when i look in the mirror i’ve hardly recognized myself some days.
i’ve allowed sin – lies – and temptation to weigh me down to a place where i’m burdened.
where i’m bruised, battered, and blinded from God’s grace.
hmm…have you been there friend? it’s an ugly place.
a lonely place.
i was with one of my girlfriends this past sunday, and at one point she asked, “amy are you ok? you don’t seem like yourself” …que the fake “yeah girl i’m fine” and the happy act immediately please.
later that night i happened, by accident – by God’s prompting, to spill everything out to her and my roommate. some of the things that spilled out surprised me, because i didn’t know i felt that way.
you see, years ago i gave my heart away.
scripture tells us to guard our hearts, for it is the well-spring of life.
as women – our hearts are treasured and so intrinsically and beautifully designed.
we’re wired for compassion and love, we’re wired to look at the world through a different lens, a different angle.
so when we step outside of God’s design – His loving wisdom and guidance – we’re hurt.
i loved this man blindly, with a whole heart, and with the idea that it would be forever.
i was broken – shattered really. and years later i still feel the ripple effects within my heart and spirit.
i talked to him recently – for a season.
it didn’t really end well.
it never does – and i’ve learned that.
i love this man – not in a romantic way, but in a man i really miss what we had and you were my best friend way.
so my heart holds onto this hope that something, anything, can come out of it.
he isn’t mine and i am not his.
to steal another excerpt out of my journal (from months back)
that felt weird to put out there.
not in a bad weird – but a freeing weird.
you see – singleness is hard.
i was talking to megan briefly about this earlier. i’ve spoken to kiki and jess about it.
these women who love Jesus, who are beautiful, who are stunningly captivating in every corner of their lives – and are single and waiting for a God-centered man to step into their life.
I’m with them.
and i’m weak.
and i’m tired.
in my frustration i haven’t been diligent.
i’ve let my relationship with God fall to this place of silence.
i’ve become content in this complacency.
in this place of not seeking out God and His plans for my life.
in not spending daily time in His presence – laying down myself before His throne to be restored.
i’ve enjoyed the brokenness.
man that was me being really honest.
brokenness is addicting.
through this season – and i’m still struggling to get out – i’ve been reminded of what a life looks like without Jesus. of a life where you feel hopeless, encapsulated by darkness, and struggling between the right and wrong choice. it’s a slippery slope.
but, in a weird way, i’ve needed this.
i needed to get to a place where i was emotionally drained.
spiritually empty and out of excuses.
i needed to be broken down – and stripped of my defenses.
i needed this.
because it has shown me the character of God.
even just a sliver.
He is present, persistent, and never changing.
He is personal and reaches into my mess to hold my hand and remind me…
…He is still there.
my story may be a mess right now – but it’s worth sharing.
this walk with God – this Christian journey – this relationship with Jesus…
…it is hard.
it is challenging.
it hurts sometimes.
yes – it is lovely, rewarding, un-earthly, eternal, satisfying, etc.
it is all of those beautiful things and so much more.
but it is also really, really difficult.
and i’m learning to accept all of it.
if my christian journey was a cake walk – would my faith be real?
would my faith be solid and firm – would i be able to, without doubt, say this is God and He is real.
my heart is heavy and i have a full mouth.
i do not have all the answers.
i have doubts.
i sin – big time – and i mess up, often.
i am a broken woman who needs a savior.
& praise God i have one in Jesus.
beth reminded me a few months back of this verse:
God is not through with me. He is never through with me.
…as i’m flipping through this old journal i ran across something i needed to read (this is one of the many reasons i write in journals – to get thoughts out, reflect, and look back and be reminded of God’s faithfulness and His promptings).
bring on the flames Jesus, bring on the flames.