it’s been a while since i’ve really broken down and been honest.
i’ve had a few people tell me recently that they feel like they really connect with me through my honesty and my frankly friday posts.
well – i suppose it’s time to peel back another layer.
the question becomes how many layers do you peel back – how much do you really share with the world – because this is public.
but if i’ve learned anything it’s that being honest, authentic, and real with those who you desire to connect with is appreciated and needed.
i can write about fluff, take a lot of pictures, and share with you my latest favorites – but what am i really telling you about ME?
so let’s pull off the blinders, grab a cup of something warm, and dig our heels in.
and while we’re at it – can we put aside judgement and put on compassion and grace?
man – that would be awesome, thank you.
come sit with me…
so life lately:
it’s been rather messy.
messy in a good way because restoration, grace, and beautiful redemption comes out of the ashes of something if you allow it.
messy in a bad way because i’ve made some pretty slack choices and have allowed myself to get to a place where i hardly recognize myself.
to pull an excerpt out of a recent journal entry:
hmmm…not the happy-go-lucky amy i’ve been portraying eh?
truthfully when i look in the mirror i’ve hardly recognized myself some days.
i’ve allowed sin – lies – and temptation to weigh me down to a place where i’m burdened.
where i’m bruised, battered, and blinded from God’s grace.
hmm…have you been there friend? it’s an ugly place.
a lonely place.
i was with one of my girlfriends this past sunday, and at one point she asked, “amy are you ok? you don’t seem like yourself” …que the fake “yeah girl i’m fine” and the happy act immediately please.
later that night i happened, by accident – by God’s prompting, to spill everything out to her and my roommate. some of the things that spilled out surprised me, because i didn’t know i felt that way.
you see, years ago i gave my heart away.
really away.
scripture tells us to guard our hearts, for it is the well-spring of life.
as women – our hearts are treasured and so intrinsically and beautifully designed.
we’re wired for compassion and love, we’re wired to look at the world through a different lens, a different angle.
so when we step outside of God’s design – His loving wisdom and guidance – we’re hurt.
i loved this man blindly, with a whole heart, and with the idea that it would be forever.
it wasn’t.
i was broken – shattered really. and years later i still feel the ripple effects within my heart and spirit.
i talked to him recently – for a season.
it didn’t really end well.
it never does – and i’ve learned that.
i love this man – not in a romantic way, but in a man i really miss what we had and you were my best friend way.
so my heart holds onto this hope that something, anything, can come out of it.
it can’t.
he isn’t mine and i am not his.
to steal another excerpt out of my journal (from months back)
that felt weird to put out there.
not in a bad weird – but a freeing weird.
you see – singleness is hard.
i was talking to megan briefly about this earlier. i’ve spoken to kiki and jess about it.
these women who love Jesus, who are beautiful, who are stunningly captivating in every corner of their lives – and are single and waiting for a God-centered man to step into their life.
I’m with them.
and i’m weak.
and i’m tired.
in my frustration i haven’t been diligent.
i’ve let my relationship with God fall to this place of silence.
i’ve become content in this complacency.
in this place of not seeking out God and His plans for my life.
in not spending daily time in His presence – laying down myself before His throne to be restored.
i’ve enjoyed the brokenness.
man that was me being really honest.
brokenness is addicting.
through this season – and i’m still struggling to get out – i’ve been reminded of what a life looks like without Jesus. of a life where you feel hopeless, encapsulated by darkness, and struggling between the right and wrong choice. it’s a slippery slope.
but, in a weird way, i’ve needed this.
i needed to get to a place where i was emotionally drained.
spiritually empty and out of excuses.
i needed to be broken down – and stripped of my defenses.
i needed this.
because it has shown me the character of God.
even just a sliver.
He is present, persistent, and never changing.
He is personal and reaches into my mess to hold my hand and remind me…
…He is still there.
always.
my story may be a mess right now – but it’s worth sharing.
this walk with God – this Christian journey – this relationship with Jesus…
…it is hard.
it is challenging.
it hurts sometimes.
yes – it is lovely, rewarding, un-earthly, eternal, satisfying, etc.
it is all of those beautiful things and so much more.
but it is also really, really difficult.
and i’m learning to accept all of it.
if my christian journey was a cake walk – would my faith be real?
would my faith be solid and firm – would i be able to, without doubt, say this is God and He is real.
hallelujah.
my heart is heavy and i have a full mouth.
i do not have all the answers.
i have doubts.
i struggle.
i sin – big time – and i mess up, often.
i am a broken woman who needs a savior.
& praise God i have one in Jesus.
beth reminded me a few months back of this verse:
God is not through with me. He is never through with me.
…as i’m flipping through this old journal i ran across something i needed to read (this is one of the many reasons i write in journals – to get thoughts out, reflect, and look back and be reminded of God’s faithfulness and His promptings).
bring on the flames Jesus, bring on the flames.
refine me.
Amy…I am struggling to find words to express how beautiful this is. Hard to write, and raw…but still beautiful. Your honesty has brought tears to my eyes, because you are so right. Trusting God, waiting for timing…and just trying to understand why things happen is incredibly draining. Worth it in the end…but draining still.
I'm going through a breakup right now myself…one in which the man was the person I had thought I would marry. Nothing was terribly wrong with the relationship, and I still can't point out where things went downhill. All I know is, it's not where I'm meant to be. It's hard, and I sympathize with anyone who has had to feel this sense of constant sorrow. It's hard to overcome. It's hard to not beat yourself up.
You are such a beautiful person, inside and out! Thank you for always writing from your heart. You're amazing!
1. Everyone has their messes… only some choose to admit it. Thank you for your transparency.
2. Spring is coming… for both of us!
3. Maybe today instead of focusing on the sin and the things you are doing wrong… maybe you could turn your focus to something that you are doing right today. π
This was a beautiful read. Very raw. My favorite: "…restoration, grace, and beautiful redemption comes out of the ashes of something if you allow it."
Definitely writing that one down.
"God is within her, she will not fall"
Thank you for sharing. There are parts of your post where I felt that I wrote it. It is beautiful and so are you. Please keep sharing your beautiful soul with us!
I also love your honest and raw posts. I know it's not fun to go through this, but there's a small light knowing that you are helping others through your experiences and writings on these experiences. I can definitely relate to that hard callous feeling, it's not a fun place to be… but sometimes it's necessary to get to that point of breaking down and letting God in again to do works in us–better than we can even imagine. Praying for you girl!
Wow, thank you so much for being so real and vulnerable. You're in my prayers, dear friend!
The best things you will ever post will be the things that make your stomach churn before you hit "publish." But you're right, blogging is a thin layer of a real, sometimes hard, life, and it's up to you to portray it how you feel best. This is your space, and I assume you didn't start it for any of us, so you should stay true to your creative outlet. The blogging community is supportive, so kind, and a lot of times it's easy to send your heart to these writers/women than a friend.
I would also like to recommend a daily devotional I read a lot, "The confident woman" by Joyce Meyer. They're short and easy to keep up with, but have such an impact. Very quotable, very applicable. I never struggled with singleness, because I actually yearned for that time to be alone with myself. There are pros and cons to every relationship, meeting Mr. Wonderful young doesn't necessarily mean you're golden. Be you, enjoy you're alone time, reflect on your growth. I truly believe that people find the most precious kind of love when they aren't looking or waiting for it.
Amy, I'm sorry I didn't catch on to all the struggling your doing right now! You need to know that I've been to that place where life is not going how you thought it would and it's outside of your control and every ounce of light in your soul seems GONE. You also need to know that I'm here! Email. skype, call…Whatever, I'm willing to listen! π
Thanks for sharing and even getting specific. You can't know how sorry I am for the pain you're dealing with or how happy I am that, even in the midst of it, you're seeing the goodness of God!
We're in this together!!!
friend, you are so brave. thank you for your honesty and for sharing what is going on in your heart. you are not alone. we have all been there/still are there. i find the best thing for me when i'm struggling is to be honest with myself about my struggles and my sin, but also to repeat to myself what Jesus says about me and his love for me. i think you've done that. you know that grace covers ALL. praying for you! so glad you were able to sit down and talk with some friends. know you can always call me if you need to, of course π xoxo.
This verse has meant a lot to me lately & I thought I'd pass it along… {cause I just felt led to}
"I will take refuge in the shadow of Your wings until the disaster has passed." -Psalm 57:1 Sometimes the disaster seems really long – like seconds & months & years & decades, but there is a Place of refuge.
Love you!
-Bess-
I have to say, sometimes when I'm at my lowest, at my weakest, at my worst, I've found the best motivation and reason to get back on track. And while I'm not in your shoes, I do know the struggle that is singleness. I sometimes wonder why I have to be the one who doesn't have a boyfriend/husband/kids since that is one of my greatest dreams in life, but it isn't about what we want, it's about what HE wants. I so wish that was easier for me to swallow as it is for me to spit out!
That said, I honestly think singleness is one of the HARDEST journeys out there. It's not easy. And one thing I've learned from you is that our lives aren't meant to be easy. But we DO have hope. We do have unrelenting, grace-filled love from Jesus and friends to encourage and live life with. Can we just hurry up and get together sometime, pretty please?
p.s. I totally read this post two times and both times your writing made my eyes well up. I feel ya, friend. I feel ya. <3
p.p.s. This is kind of a weird coincidence, but I was reading this post while listening to this song and for some reason it seemed like crazy timing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-xgHQbCbxE&list=PLj_onAcEC5jnyBXjcby5e3Irj1BJVGKw2
ALSO…I think you need to listen to this song. I also *just* happened upon it and instantly thought of you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6RNJ6HDTpU
p.s. That photo of you is stunning. No matter how you feel, know that you are truly beautiful, inside and out!
I love you! You are a beautiful person, inside & out. I am so glad your friend was there for you. And i love God, how when she asked if you were okay, you put on the mask, but later God made a way for you to spill what is going on – He knew that is what was needed. I am praying for you. You are so right. Our faith is HARD. But it's also very very good. And God is faithful & still working on us.
Hang in there. Praying for you. xoxo
I know you are speaking of singleness, but so much of this post reminds me of friends of mine who are struggling with infertility and what they have said about it. There's this lie that you aren't complete without ______. And we buy into it. A loving, Godly husband is a wonderful blessing. And a healthy, bouncing baby is a wonderful blessing. And really this goes for all the things of this world that we desire. So many of them are good things in of themselves, but we must first chase after the heart of God. In whatever our circumstance, in whatever we desire, we first chase after His heart. And sometimes those desires are fulfilled in the ways we hope and sometimes those desires are fulfilled in even better ways than we ever imagined. To clarify, I am not trying to say that single women or barren women are "less holy" than other women. Those are just the two examples I'm speak to here. I really believe all of us have some inner desire for something (husband, child, security, adventure, promotions, etc), but our hearts should be about seeking after God. I really hope I'm explaining myself well because I feel like I'm not. But so often I write this ridiculous long things on your Frankly Friday posts and then delete the whole thing because I'm afraid that I might come across differently than I meant to. But I'm going to go with this one. You know my heart, Amy. You know I only mean to encourage you!
I'll start by saying that your honest posts are what first drew me to your blog. And I aspire to write honest posts like this one. Not just for me to get my thoughts out, but for others to know and remember that they are not alone. Just like you, are not alone in this. We all have our struggles, we all have our valleys, and we all have a Redeemer waiting for us. Who's love is relentless. (Listen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3O_pAOiGuo)
Love you, friend.
I'm so sorry you're feeling so down. You are so special and I feel blessed to have found your blog. I'm praying for you!
" i know that in order to become the woman God has designed for me to be
…i must go through the fire. i also need to stop complaining about the flames."
Beautifully written, thank you. x
Rainb0w @ orangepinksky.blogspot.com
i feel like i'm kinda in the same place right now. i've allowed myself to become bitter & sin is just sitting here changing who i am. i completely understand what you mean about brokenness being addicting. it's a strange sensation. my heart was broken really bad for the first time about 8 years ago…. and i've never allowed it to fully heal.
thank you for being real because so many people that read this are probably feeling the same way. and it's so nice to know that you're not alone, you know?
it's never easy to go through fire….but sometimes it is so necessary. i remember a quote i heard that has always stayed with me "if hardship in my life is what helps me to be more like Jesus….it's worth it" bring on the flames! π
Girl, i can totally relate to the struggle that is singleness. There are days, just as Kiki said, when i wonder why? But like Kiki said it's not about what I want it's about what he wants.
God's been teaching me lately to put my trust in his plans and not my own in this season of waiting. even though it's hard sometimes, i know that his plans are way better than my own.
I will be praying for you girl! If you ever want to talk about singleness you can always email me.
ps. your post totally made me tear up. Listen to this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zulKcYItKIA