the house was empty.
the sounds muffled.
the coffee warm.
the word of God spoken through john piper was strong, piercing, and hard to swallow.
i was wrecked.
…that was this morning…and i’m still processing all of it.
the truth is – i’m a messed up sinner.
and i get it, that is the normal christian jargan we throw around.
so, let me put it a little more blunt – i can be a really, really evil person.
i have mean thoughts.
hateful intentions.
lustful desires.
gossiping conversations.
backstabbing motives.
and a selfish heart.
i mess up, a lot.
i am not perfect.
i am not always happy.
or joyful.
or put together.
or full of grace.
or offering others grace.
and i’m not saying any of this to get a pat on the back for being honest.
i’m just being honest for the sake of honesty.
for myself.
for my relationship with Jesus.
amen.
ugh.
that is hard to swallow.
those two words hit me like a dang sledge hammer.
blatant disobedience.
i am so guilty of it.
and then, as if my heart wasn’t already heavy, piper just ripped it out and laid it on the table before God.
just. bury. me.
would you like to know something?
i consider myself a warrior.
yes, yes i do.
i used to pretend to be xena running around doing her ayayayayayay call and swinging a pretend sword.
i climbed trees and sought out adventure.
when i got hurt, oh well, i put a band-aid on and kept moving.
when my father died, i fought a stupid battle with God and dug myself deep into a messy pit.
when my mother died, i let God fight.
and then i fought back against the world.
i fought.
and fought.
and fought.
and i envisioned myself as this warrior princess with dreadlocks standing on top of a mountain with my hand on my swords hilt ready to face the day, with the wind at my back and bright sunlight in my face.
…and then i read this.
and that warrior princess was no where to be found.
she was faking it.
because i have been waiting to be saved without a fight.
ugh.
do you know how much i hate admitting that?
my struggles with sin.
my struggles with anxiety.
my struggles with _____.
all things that within God can be conquered….and i just sit back and wait for Him to do it without putting in the work.
how is that even logical?!
it isn’t.
i know, that deep down, i am a warrior.
God has created me to be a fighter.
to push and test boundaries.
to break down the walls of callous hearts.
to mend fences.
to fight against the grain of society and show others hope.
i am born to carry His sword.
yet i’ve been inactive.
waiting to be saved.
wanting to win the war because i believed in Jesus.
without making sacrifices.
and without putting in the work.
…sweet friends, it doesn’t work that way.
so may your day be wrecked as mine has.
may your heart tremble.
may you swallow the fire and let it burn within.
and my hope is, it will awaken the warrior within you.
we all are warriors, just different kinds and with different strengths.
don’t wait around to be saved without a fight.
enter the battle, and with God’s grace, guidance, and mercy, fight hard.
