it’s around 630 am as i write this.
i woke up exhausted, worn, sporting two new cold sores from stress, and feeling dejected.
the last few days, weeks even, i’ve been in this place that i can’t fully explain.
swirling emotions, lots of things on my to-do list, amazing things and normal things i’ve committed myself and time to – and so i get home feeling a little, shall we say, empty.
not just physically – but emotionally, spiritually, mentally.
i’m in this place i don’t like.
and i don’t normally share it with other people – thankfully i’m working on that lovely trait with my counselor.
for so long, i’ve been the strong one.
when my father died, i spiraled. when my mother died i saw everyone around me spiraling – and so i decided i had to be strong, and that no one would hurt me again; and it’s left me with a horrible defense mechanism and processing standard.
i just suck at really letting people in.
i grabbed my cup of decaf (gasp!) coffee, settled in on the love seat in my room, and started to read she reads truth. i always read the scripture first, and sometimes that leads me down this path (like today) where i don’t always read or finish what they’ve written – i just let God lead and i attempt to stumble behind.
today was rest in truth – and i had a feeling God was stirring.
and then He straight up embraced me with the first scripture.
“Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might He increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”
He is here.
close to me.
“Amy i’m right here.” it was like i felt Him just hanging out next to me with a mug in His own hand.
and i was washed over with this beautiful peace – this understanding of…it’s ok to struggle.
what did it say up there? HE does not faint or grow weary, HIS understanding is unsearchable.
and i just felt the flood gates burst and spill out all of this fear, and frustration, and sadness, and even some hope out to Him…and because He is God – He knew i needed to be pushed further.
“But the Lord answered her, ‘Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.'”
it was like i almost heard an audible sigh in that scripture.
that fathers familiar nudge of pushing me towards something He has led me to a thousand times before.
for MY yoke is easy, and MY burden is light (matthew 11:30b)
Amy, just give it up already and have some rest.
rest in the truth that I AM all you need, all you seek, all you need to be renewed by.
my anxiety is a wicked thorn…and those that struggle with anxiety or depression can understand the overwhelming feeling of not always knowing why you are anxious – but that you simply are.
i’m a good faker.
i push along and very few people notice if i have a slight limp.
mostly because i keep that part of me a secret – which as you get to know me more is rather hilarious since i verbally process so much in my life, and really do consider myself an open book.
but this chapter?
the heart of the book – the really really deep stuff is rarely seen, even by myself.
and i’m working on changing that.
and God is bringing me to this place of resting, of surrender, of really being broken down to realize…
it’s ok to not be strong all of the time.
it’s ok to snap out of the numbness and actually feel.
this is a lot of unknown for me – and i know that in my day to day life with those i connect with most i’m struggling to really articulate what i’m working through, and in the process may be making things worse…and that fear of abandonment just creeps it’s nasty way into my heart. like my mess will be too much for another person to look at.
it’s a lie; one i recognize, but one that continues to bury itself into my mind.
“YOU are my hiding place and my shield; i hope in Your Word.” – Psalm 119:114
may that be my prayer today.
that while i’m within this area i hate – with all of these feelings and emotions swirling around.
God will be my shield, my hiding place – my refuge.
and that i will welcome Him in, instead of pushing Him away.