…below are some excerpts from my journal over the last month.
It’s been a while since I shared raw emotions and thoughts that have been bouncing around within me. We live in a world that does not value transparency and honesty but I believe if we had a heaver dose of it more regularly that we would have more compassion, understanding, and love for each other.
“Is my faith not enough?” I whisper to myself through tears.
The crushing wave of anxiety has been in full force in this shell of my body for a while now. Feelings of overwhelm, panic, exhaustion, and just truly being so completely done with dealing with it. Anxiety is something I’ve talked about many times here on the blog; and here I am at age 37 still drowning some days. I’ve approached this thorn in my side from countless different directions; therapy, medicine, prayer, white knuckling it, more therapy, crying, wailing, avoiding it, stuffing it down, etc. I’m currently in the midst of coming off of my SSRI medication (which can feel like such a controversial topic when I tell others) and the withdrawal / rebound anxiety symptoms are out of control. Most days I’m convinced I’m having a heart attack; I feel every single twinge within my body and then my brain will take that and run with it and convince me that this is it, I’m dying, I’m going to traumatize everyone around me, and I’ll just be dead.
I cry out to God: please, please release this from me, rescue me, restore me, and make me whole; I can’t take this anymore, Jesus please. Some times it is that immediate warmth of peace that envelops you…and other times it’s like I’m screaming at a ceiling. I’ve known and loved Jesus a long time so I know that the following thoughts I have are not true, but I really believe that bearing my soul – the good and the ugly – is what we all need sometimes, to know we’re not alone in the chaos of thoughts.
I catch myself thinking of different stories in the Bible, especially during Jesus’ ministry, where the faith of an individual, or of their friend, brings them healing. TRUE healing, Soul healing (which I thankfully already have salvation in Jesus) as well as body healing. I pour over the scripture and try to dissect it for some sort of bread crumb I’ve missed to find this body healing. If they have faith and are healed, why am I not? Why must I continue to feel this crushing weight of fear? Am I meant to be like Paul who bears this constant thorn in his side? I don’t want that, I want to be story of body healing where I no longer have to deal with anxiety at all. God, do I not have enough faith? I must, I know I have enough faith….and yet…? Do I not truly believe that God is big enough, omniscient enough, mighty enough to heal me, forever, from this thorn of anxiety and that’s why it still plagues me?
✎𓂃
Psalm 22:1-5
“My God, My God why have you forsaken me? Far from my deliverance are the words of my groaning. O God my God I cry by day, but You do not answer; and by night, but I have no rest. Yet You are Holy. O You who are enthroned upon the praises of Isreal. In You our fathers trusted; They trusted and You delivered them. To You they cried out and were delivered; in You they trusted and were not disappointed.”
Am I trusting?
Fully – whole heart – whole body – whole mind? Am I laying my entire being down at the feet of God and trusting in Him, regardless of the outcome?
…and yet HE, GOD, delivered them.
They trusted and were not disappointed. God is holy.
Do I believe that, trust in that? In my whirlwind of anxiety when I cry out to God in despair and anguish wondering if He hears me. Do I believe in the depths of my own hell that God is, always has been and always will be Holy? Does my spirit feel refreshed within His presence? Is He the balm to my brokenness? Am I trusting God with an expectation of deliverance? Or am I trusting Him solely because He is God and fully worthy of my trust and an earthly outcome may come with deliverance from my pain? I’m not promised deliverance from these current sufferings here on earth. I am promised eternal deliverance from them – Praise God and I so eagerly wait for the day when I am not plagued my this ever present darkness trying to chase me down and entrap me. Satan chases me so well, he manipulates me and whispers lies so easy to believe. He has seen my weakness and preys on it. While satan preys on me am I praying to God?
Not often enough.
Am I arming myself daily for the battle set before me?
No, I’m not.
This song has been such a needed reminder for me lately, I wanted to write down some verses to remember. It’s “Everyday Hallelujah” by Phil Wickham
“In the joy and in the pain, in the sun and in the rain, every breath gonna bless your name here’s my every day Hallelujah. For the love and for the grace, for the hope that’s never going to fade away, let me life be a life of praise Here’s my every day Hallelujah.”
God be a soothing balm to me today. Please help me to put my full trust in You. Help me to see your provision and goodness. amen.
