Time for another Frankly Friday…
What is Frankly Friday?
Let’s define Frankly shall we…
frankly |หfra ng klฤ|adverbin an open, honest, and direct manner
. . .
I want this to be a way for all of us to be open, raw, and transparent with not only each other…but with ourselves. I think we put a lot of stock into the “fear” of what others may think of us…into the “fear” of really putting what’s on your heart out there in case someone decides to tear you down.
I’m over the fear & you should be too.
So let’s write…whether it’s about a situation you’re struggling through, a victory you’ve made, a memory that you can’t let go of…anything as long as it’s honest.
. . .
Facebook, Twitter, Instagram…what do all of these things have in common?
They get me thinking.
Wait, wait before you run away…this really is important at least to me.
I start thinking about
life
love
decisions made
relationships lost
friendships made
dreams i’ve had
failures
successes
…and mostly it just reminds me of this timeline i had in place.
Yes, for years i had a timeline in my head of all of the things i wanted to accomplish by certain ages {and honestly i think a lot of people do this and i’m not really alone}.
The short version went a little something like this:
Engaged by – age 21
Married by – age 22
Start having children by – age 25.
So what does facebook, twitter, instagram have to do with this timeline?
It can sometimes remind me how that timeline didn’t work out.
Now before i get all these comments reading something like: Well Amy, your timeline isn’t God’s timeline or He works everything out in a way that will bring Glory to Him.
YOU ARE RIGHT.
Those are all things i know and believe to be true…but it still stings a little and i believe that is ok.
I see so many of my friends entering into these beautiful new journeys in life and while i am genuinely happy and joyful for them, it can still bring a little sadness.
I turned 24 last october, so THIS YEAR i will be 25 – the year i wanted to start having children.
Frankly…
I couldn’t imagine my life with children in it right now.
I enjoy being able to go out of town just because i feel like it, stay up late and watch movies without having to deal with bathtimes/bedtimes, i like not having to constantly do laundry or cook dinner.
I like that i can say hey i want to go to ireland/scotland and not worry who will watch the children, if my husband would be going to, can i save that money on top of bills, diapers, etc.
I do like the freedom of being single.
But sometimes…i wonder if i tell myself i like those things so i’m not reminded of what i don’t have.
For instance, i like not having to hear a child crying at random times…but do i really? Wouldn’t it be a great tradeoff to hear them say “mama” and know that they are talking to me?
I dont know, i’m just rambling but i feel like i need to get this out.
I’ve gone to more weddings than i can count in the last 4 years and i am beyond happy for the new chapter in life they are starting on; yet i have found that it can still bring me a little down.
I wanted to be engaged by 21.
That definitely did not happen.
I’ve come close{ish}…looked at rings once in a relationship, but that didn’t work out.
I wanted to be married by 22.
Yup, nope that was a bust.
So here i am, 24 and single and i do enjoy my singleness and i’m thrilled with the opportunities i’ve been given and the things that i can do because i don’t have to worry about money/college funds/a spouse. I like all of these things and i’m happy with my life.
I just sometimes have my down moments. {which is ok}
Monday night was a down moment.
The realization of where my life is in relation to others just kind of knocked the wind out of me.
My life just isn’t what i thought it would be at 24 & that resulted in me driving home from the grocery store in tears and entering into an empty quite house in even more tears all while probably freaking Tobi (my cat) out. Yeah, i was being a little girl’ish.
Maybe i’m being overly emotional because you know it’s that time…or maybe i am just allowed a break to actually process what i’m feeling and not swallow it down because ‘i should be joyful about everything and be completely content in my singleness’ {i’ve discussed that garbage thinking before here}.
I’m not going to feel bad for talking about this, or feel like i might be judged for feeling this way. The truth is, i want to talk about this because maybe other single girls struggle with this sometimes. Maybe the waiting on a Godly man gets hard and you sometimes (yes in those darker/lonelier moments) consider just settling for someone who is slightly decent. Sometimes the waiting takes its toll.
I guess most of this stems from the fact that i just don’t feel at peace with myself.
My relationship with the Lord has been struggling suffocating because i’ve let myself drown.
My relationships with other people hasn’t been as positive as it should be because i haven’t had the best attitude {because my relationship with God has been blah…it effects all things people}.
My weight…i hate it but i’m working on it.
I am not fond of the woman i see in the mirror.
The self confidence/self-esteem is just mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
It just all spirals down to the fact that my life needs change. My life needs even more of Jesus.
I’m being really, really transparent and i didn’t expect to when i first started writing this.
..
.sigh.
..
I know that i’m where i’m supposed to be in life; i know that God is blessing me on this journey.
I also know that i’m not alone.
I am loved, valued, and pursued by God.
I’m doing my best to be joyful in this season of waiting.
I want to live a life that through every change, trial, and success brings glory to God.
I also want to be real and honest about my struggles along the way because it could help other people.
So here i am, 2/8/13 letting you know that in this moment in my life: i’m doing ok.
I will make it.
I will have a better attitude.
I might be saddened by my lack’there’of relational status.
But i’m going to do my best to be positive and use every situation to bring some form of Glory to God.
. . .
All of the above was written Tuesday…today, Friday i still have much of the same thoughts but God has been faithful! I’ve started re-reading Sacred Singleness by Leslie Ludy. I read this book about 3 1/2 years ago after my last break up and it really helped to open my eyes and calm my heart.
With just the first chapter God has definitely been putting things back into perspective and helping me to see situations and emotions more clearly. This is hands down the best book for single Christian ladies out there and i am thrilled that i am reading it again.
. . .
All of the above was written Tuesday…today, Friday i still have much of the same thoughts but God has been faithful! I’ve started re-reading Sacred Singleness by Leslie Ludy. I read this book about 3 1/2 years ago after my last break up and it really helped to open my eyes and calm my heart.
With just the first chapter God has definitely been putting things back into perspective and helping me to see situations and emotions more clearly. This is hands down the best book for single Christian ladies out there and i am thrilled that i am reading it again.
. . .
So there you have it.
There is my dose of honesty for the week.
How about you?
What do you need to be frank about this week?
Link up if you participated.
I admire you for admitting that you aren't *totally* happy being single – I think many people go overboard by trying to act extremely proud about it. People can throw all the advice at you they want, but at the end of the day, you are the one who is going through it right now – not them.
Heart filled post and I love it! Sometimes it's good just to NOT have a plan, right??
xoxo
I love honesty Amy. And honestly… your honesty is refreshing and I love reading blogs that are true and raw at times. Too much fluff fluff gets old. (Not that I think you have a fluff fluff blog… just… the fluffy bloggers never do it for me. :))
Also, I'm starting to think I am the only person who never had a plan as to when I would be married and having ids haha. Seriously, everyone seems to have had some idea of how it would happen and I don't think I ever thought about it! Is that weird?
I totally get you. I never had specific ages when I wanted to be engaged/married by, but I DEFINITELY thought it would happen by now.
It is so hard sometimes to not compare yourself with others. The truth is, I want to be in a relationship and headed toward marriage, now. So when I see others in that situation, it saddens me. But then I think, why compare myself? I want a unique story, so if that means having to wait… bring it on.
But, believe me, I TOTALLY get how you feel. I get down right sick of it sometimes. I am so thankful for God though, He always provides peace eventually and hope for the future.
Looove that Leslie Ludy book! I should re-read it…
I totally get you. I never had specific ages when I wanted to be engaged/married by, but I DEFINITELY thought it would happen by now.
It is so hard sometimes to not compare yourself with others. The truth is, I want to be in a relationship and headed toward marriage, now. So when I see others in that situation, it saddens me. But then I think, why compare myself? I want a unique story, so if that means having to wait… bring it on.
But, believe me, I TOTALLY get how you feel. I get down right sick of it sometimes. I am so thankful for God though, He always provides peace eventually and hope for the future.
Looove that Leslie Ludy book! I should re-read it…
Wow, thank you so much for being so vulnerable and honest. It's horrible feeling to not have our plans work out even if we *know* God is in control. As hard as it is, sometimes, following him and trusting him is alwasy the best!
I get what you're feeling…except kind of opposite. If it weren't for the military, I think the mister and I would only just now be thinking seriously about marriage. When I was in college I told everyone that if I was married before 25, I'd consider it a travesty. I sure messed that up!
You know i completely understand. Even though i am married. Didn't happen til 30. I planned to get married at 24. I thought that was the perfect age to get married. Well, 24 came and went. I think 25 was my HAPPIEST single year. Followed by 26. 27 i started to HATE my singleness – even though i had such freedom, i wanted the man God had for me! Yesterday! Haha.
I always wanted to start having kids about 2 years after getting married. Getting married at 24, having kids at 26 = PERFECTION. Well, i got married at 30…started trying for babies at 32…i will be 35 in three weeks & no baby here. So we face the beast of infertility and i am certain that God will bring my dreams to pass. NOT in my timing, that is already clear. But He will be faithful. Just as He was faithful to bring me a husband. And just as He is faithful to bring me a new career that i know i will love! (I had struggled with that for a long time, always feeling miserable in my jobs & thinking i was being punished for not getting a degree!)
Anyway… I know he will be faithful to give me children, too. I was born to be a mama! I am sure you feel the same way. ๐ It will happen, girlfriend. I know that doesn't make it easier b/c we can't see the big picture the way God does! But hang in there. ๐ xoxo
It's absolutely acceptable to have these feelings. I love the way you wrote this. It's like one minute you are transparently sharing your truest feelings (including the hurt)… and then a minute later you are saying the very words I would say to encourage you. It's like you already know "the answers" and how it's not only "okay" to be single, but there are many blessings to singleness.
I truly believe that each season of life is beautiful in its own way. I am super excited to start a family someday, but right now I absolutely love this time with just my husband and I. I don't want to look back at any point of my life and realize that I was so busy waiting for the next stage that I missed the beauty of the moment.
so encouraging as always. i am blown away as i look back on my life and think about what it could have been life if i had planned it all out. i love the way the LORD plans each and every step precisely as he means them to be.
I get it! It's only when I look back that I see God had it planned for good the whole time (Rom 8:28) but going through it is hard, hard, hard. Prayers for you, Amy!! ๐
Frankly, this post is amazing and it speaks to me in so many ways. I'm a fellow planner, single lady, and Jesus-lover and cannot thank you enough for this post. I definitely know what you mean when you were talking about down moments–I DEFINITELY have those! Especially when it comes to wanting to be asked out on my first date and wanting to have kids, too. Obviously, those things won't happen at the same time, but I have those moments when I wish that life would just hurry up already. And then God reminds me that living in the moment is what life is all about.
Anyway, thank you for those quotes in the images, I love them both! Can't wait to read more of your blog, girl! ๐