i mentioned monday that i’ve been struggling.
in fact my exact words were – my life is a hot ugly mess at times…i just happen to be in one of those hard places…conviction is never easy friends.
bleh.
have you ever had a post that you just didn’t want to write but you knew you should.
where writing meant sitting down, being quiet, and actually reflecting on where you are in life.
on the mistakes.
on the joys.
on your current struggles & insecurities?
yeah…i haven’t been looking forward to writing this.
and then how much do i share – if i share certain things at all; this is my blog, not my diary. sometimes they are one in the same but i have some personal things that i keep, well, personal.
double bleh.
maybe if i just blurt it out it will be easier.
i sinned.
yeah, i know, not really a shocker there – we sin every single day.
but this time i chose to sin – and i chose the sin over God…on purpose.
why?
why do i do that?
why do i allow my flesh to beat out my spirit?
how did i get to a place where i have become complacent, comfortable even, with the lack of spiritual discipline in my life. when did life become so – bland?
i’ll tell you when.
when i started to choose the world over Jesus.
when i stopped fighting satan’s tempting schemes because i was too weary.
when i let my guard down and thought i’ve been good – i can skip getting in the word today.
i’ve allowed my personal desires – my sin triggers – my filth to become more of a priority than God.
because i haven’t been diligent.
and honestly – because i am tired.
man, how do i explain the back story on this one.
if i was to shorten it – it started about…hmm…about 4 years ago. God was telling me to put Him first – and so i sacrificed something very valuable to me. but i didn’t really lay everything down – not fully. i got more involved in student ministry and was a youth leader for a few years. constantly striving to be the best i could be – to go to God with my failures while leading these incredible students down a path of salvation and growth. then the church crumbled because sin entered it. we shut our doors in the fall of 2011. i’ve been struggling to find a home church since…a place to feel – comfortable, to serve, to…plug in. singleness has grated on my heart – worn me down to where i feel undesirable. my friendships have taken a beating because we were all broken hearted over the loss of a ministry. college was finished – and i haven’t been mentally challenged since.
it’s all a big ol’ cluster of garbage.
somewhere in that time i gave up. i quit. i was just too tired. i had been fighting for so long, being strong for many years, putting on the “well, that’s life and lets just move forward” attitude to get through struggles. i had done “the right thing”, loved on people who hurt me, made mistakes in the process sure, but overall i was the “good amy” everyone knew and talked about and praised. i felt like i was constantly trying to make people proud – impress them – be the perfect example of a girl who went through hard times but came out on top loving Jesus.
and here i am, 24 on the cusp of turning 25, and i’m tired.
i’m tired of pretending.
of forcing a smile when i want to cry.
i’m tired of acting like i always do the right thing – when i really really don’t.
i’m tired of having all of the answers – or at least pretending to.
i’m tired of always getting it right.
so the world becomes tempting – because it’s easy. sin is easy.
the truth is – here i sit with some things figured out – but most things left a mystery.
i make mistakes, BIG MISTAKES, that have consequences that have yet to be seen.
i fail. a lot.
and in my weariness i’ve looked at God and said “where are you man? i’m broken here…”
i think psalm 69 is the echo of my heart right now…
yeah, David was struggling too – i feel ya brother.
i know the truth.
my heart knows the truth.
God hasn’t left me.
not once.
i’m just struggling right now…i’m just tired.
i saw a quote on pinterest that ended with: “always fight – until you can’t fight anymore, and then be fought for.”
i’m not done fighting yet – not even close, but i am tired.
i feel like rocky after being beaten to the brink – blood running down his face yet he still has the desire to get up, focus through the blur, and get in a few more swings.
i’m going to get in a few more swings, and then a couple more.
i won’t let satan win this.
in all sincerity – this isn’t my breaking point.
not letting him win starts with me being honest with myself and with the world.
because i know i’m not alone.
i know this struggle – this journey – this battle isn’t unique.
satan knows our struggles and tempts us like a swift kidney punch.
he finds joy in our sin strongholds – he likes seeing us suffer and pull further from God.
however…
…God Is Bigger.
He is always bigger, always stronger, always pursuing us when we run.
He knows how/when/why satan tempts us and is continually offering us a way out.
offering me a way out.
i just have to choose it – follow Christ when it gets tough and when it’s joyful.
as I recently heard… “Never let satan make you believe that God doesn’t have better for you”.
amen friends, amen.
{look into “breaking free from strongholds/best sermon ever/dr. eric mason/ guest speaker at mars hill church – great sermon on this topic!}
If you had a post that was rather frank this week – link up below
I've been looking forward to this post since you mentioned it. Your words here are sooo good. I love that psalm and the fact that God knows what He's doing. Difficult and tiring as it may be, we are going somewhere! 🙂 I was reading Isaiah 40-45 last night….It kind of ties into all that you just said.
Thanks for sharing your heart and how you're dealing.
Oh sweet girl, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Praise God that He never gives up on us. He stands with open arms longing for you to run to him (which it definitely sounds like you're doing). He doesn't judge you for whatever sins you've committed, he forgives you and takes the sin 100% away! (Obviously the repercussions aren't 100% gone but the sin is)
Thank you for being so vulnerable. We all mess up and are in need of forgiveness but, most of the time, we're not willing to make it public.
You're such an amazing girl and I know God has huge plans in store for you!
AMY!!!
THIS is a Frankly Friday post. 🙂 I've been missing them from you.
"in all sincerity – this isn't my breaking point." That's right Amy! This ISN'T your breaking point… it's your BREAKTHROUGH! Honestly, my heart is cheering you on in such a great way right now. It's like the crazy grandma in the stands ringing her bells and shouting like crazy not caring who's watching haha.
I can't wait to watch your story unfold as you get back to getting right with God and following him! There is so much GOOD in your future when you walk with HIM WHO HAS GREAT PLANS FOR YOU!
No more pretending. Be you… mess and all. Pretending is exhausting… and isolating. But now you blew Satan's big secret about you and it will lose it's strength over you. Live in the light right!? 🙂 Go get it Amy!
My only response is: SIGH. Because that weight of sin is so heavy, and I think we can all relate. Thank you so much for sharing your story and reminding us of this truth! All I want to say to you is to remind you that you are so DEEPLY loved by the Father — not for who you will become, not for when you are being sinless, but for who you are NOW and every moment. 🙂
XO.
J @ COFFEE & HONEYCOMB
(Thanks for checking out my page so that I can find yours. And boy, I'm so glad I did…)
Girl, THANK YOU for sharing your heart. That line, "He is always bigger, always stronger, always pursuing us when we run." So true. Keep telling yourself that, because even if you don't feel it now, one day you will look back and see how intricately he was working during these rough times. Easy to say, but it sucks right now huh? Praying for you, friend. Luckily God's grace is bigger than any stupid sin we commit, we just need to trust that. 🙂
I love your honesty in this post – I have been in your position over the last few years and I feel the pain of a church collapse so much.
I found God christmas 2011 and I also found a home church in my hometown – it was new opening and I found people who helped and nurtured my new found saved life and I was made to feel part of everything and safe to speak freely about my fears and past sins – then the church closed it's doors in my hometown (although it's growing in other places around the world) and I was broken – I felt so abandoned I wondered how God could have led me here and then left me with nothing – I like you have still not found anywhere to call my church home.
I have struggled with sin, feeling abandoned, finding a new church where I feel at home, resisting the pull that satan has on my life to drag me back to my past sins.
I pray that you will be able to keep running towards God and his never ending love, that you will keep strong and be the great woman of God that you are – he has such an amazing plan for your life and although you may not see it now it will be shown with your faithfulness.
Thankyou for your immense honesty – I am proud of your bravery in sharing this story with your readers and I know it will touch everyone's heart.
x
You aren't alone. We all struggle with sin. It is a daily battle even when we don't realize it. This was actually brought very clearly to my attention a couple of weeks ago when a guy from our church (who I went to grad school with) came forward asking for prayers. His arrest had been on the news 2 days before and what had previously been his private struggle had suddenly become news. Everyone knew. In the letter he wrote to the church he talked about how he will now be facing the consequences of bad choices he made and he is embarrassed and saddened for how this is hurting his wife, family, and our church. Christopher and I don't know him super well, but we hung out a few times in grad school and he and his wife were briefly part of our class at church so we felt like we needed to go down and sit with them and pray over them when we saw them walk down. So we did. And it was heart wrenching.
In a way, it made me sick to think of the things he had done, but more than that as I watched him and his wife grieving this sin, I realized that I am no better. My sins may be more socially acceptable and have fewer Earthly consequences, but in God's eyes – sin is sin. And I asked myself, when is the last time I mourned over my sin like this? When is the last time that I was THIS embarrassed by the struggles I have? Sitting in church that morning with a man who is facing some very big consequences, brought my own sin right in front of me.
Christopher and I have talked so many times since then about how easy it is to become complacent about socially acceptable sins and how it truly is a daily battle for every Christian. Before that Sunday, I thought it wasn't really a daily struggle for me – just something that popped up every now and then, but I realize how Satan has lied to me and made me believe that things I do are really okay. They aren't.
So like you, I fight. And the best part… we have Jesus on our side and He already won. He conquered death. We know how this story ends. We are just fighting through this chapter of the book.
Good gracious, I just saw how long that "comment" was after I posted it. Sorry to write a comment as long as your post, haha!
So I don't know what exactly your struggle is, and I don't need to know it. Your transparency: mmmmm. (Yeah.. I just don't have words for it.) Keep that. Do not ever lose it! I think even when it seems vague to other people, as long as we are true to ourselves and honest, that is how God wants us to relate to people. Some will know more than others, but remaining transparent is key.
I'm gathering that part of your struggle is you haven't found a new community. (I'm going to call church a "community"; that is what it should be.) Did I read that right? Not plugged into a church?
If I might encourage you: i have been there. (Not sure that it's the same reasons as you so don't think what I'm about to say I'm saying is you. Just being open in hopes of helping you see you can keep fighting because you have Jesus.) I CHOSE to quit going. I CHOSE to not live amongst those who would remind me "Above all else, be swept up in a relationship with Jesus." I CHOSE to make some wordly decisions I now look back and wonder what I was thinking.
BUT, like you said, God is bigger than all of that. He WANTS us to choose Him and if we will only resolve to walk the path that is choosing Him, He will fight with us, for us. Love how you said it: "however…
…God Is Bigger.
He is always bigger, always stronger, always pursuing us when we run.
He knows how/when/why satan tempts us and is continually offering us a way out.
offering me a way out.
i just have to choose it – follow Christ when it gets tough and when it's joyful."
Though I know sometimes songs don't speak in the same way to everyone, I want to post a song you are likely familiar with. (If you haven't heard it, go look it up on youtube. And just soak in the words. Reminders of scripture, that God is faithful and will not let you stay where you are as long as you choose to continue to ask Him to bring you out. Also, this song is great with a good sound system and blared in my opinion.)
"Whom Shall I Fear (God Of Angel Armies)" – Chris Tomlin
You hear me when I call
You are my morning song
Though darkness fills the night
It cannot hide the light
Whom shall I fear
You crush the enemy
Underneath my feet
You are my sword and shield
Though troubles linger still
Whom shall I fear
I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The one who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
My strength is in Your name
For You alone can save
You will deliver me
Yours is the victory
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The one who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
And nothing formed against me shall stand
You hold the whole world in Your hands
I'm holding on to Your promises
You are faithful
You are faithful
And nothing formed against me shall stand
You hold the hold world in your hands
I'm hold on to your promises
You are faithful
You are faithful
You are faithful
I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The one who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The one who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
Love you! Thanks again for the transparency!
Girl! Read this post from you earlier but i was on my phone so i marked it as "Unread" so i would remember to come comment later. 🙂 But seriously. Love this post. Hate that you're going through what you're going through, but love your honesty, your transparency, and your heart.
We all struggle with sin – those who say they don't or haven't are lying! David in the Bible messed up bigtime, and yet when you think of him you usually remember him as a psalmist. As one who killed Goliath. As one who had the heart of a worshiper.
In 2006, at age 26, the church i had been in since i was 10, also had a church split. It was AWFUL. I never thought at that time that it would mess with so many people spiritually-speaking, but it did. I was no exception. I grew up in that church, i was a youth leader from age 17 to 26, and the split had to do with our youth pastor who i looked up to & respected more than anyone! He didn't do anything horrible (though some would say opposite) but it was a major deal & the people who were youth leaders for his ministry – not to mention the youth & their parents – suffered BIGTIME. It SUCKED!
I found a new church, that God brought me to & life was good for awhile but then i got out of church altogether. And just had no desire to ever go back. (Nothing happened really at the new church – maybe a delayed reaction from the split!? Haha.) Anyway, now i am very thankful & happy to say God brought me & Brad to a good church that definitely feels like HOME. I hope he does the same for you. Actually, he will. I know he will.
Praying for you, girl. LOVE YOU!
I scrolled through these comments and I think it's just another reaffirming sign that you are NOT alone. And I'm here to tell you you're not, girl. 🙂
Secondly, I thought you should know that I actually read this post on Friday, looked at it briefly on Sunday and then I read through it again just now and just don't have the words to express how much I love this. I know that I say this all the time, but I so relate to your feelings in this post. Yet another reason why I know you're not alone.
Girl, you inspire me. Your transparency, your love and desire to seek Him and His love for you, and your desire to speak up. I love it and I love you, too friend! 🙂
p.s. I totally forgot to mention that on Thursday night I was actually writing in my prayer journal that I needed more of Jesus and less sin. And that it was when I was weak (whether it was from sin, exhaustion, frustration, etc.) I chose sin over Him. So loving your strength girl, it's simply empowering.
Oh my dear, this breaks my heart because I have been in those shoes and they are painful steps to trod 🙁 I went through a similar period when I was 24 going on 25 (maybe its a quarter-life crisis), but it was a big slap in the face of my own attempts at looking right on the outside while the inside was filled with shame, regrets, and bitterness. I am in NO position to pretend to wave a wand and say something to make all the pain go away. But I can say that from my experience, those tough days where I felt like I was at the bottom of a pit where days that I can look back on and see God's grace more clearly. Because only I know how far I was from Him because of my own choices and yet His grace reached out to me. Life is nowhere near perfect and I still battle a lot of lies from the enemy, but the lessons learned in the deep pit where lessons that the Holy Spirit constantly brings to mind when I have hard days. PRAY through this difficult season. Even if you don't know what to pray for because you feel numb or because words don't seem to come together. Ask the Holy Spirit to bring the right words to mind. The Holy Spirit afterall is in YOU , but is also in communion with the Father and Son, so He brings us (ALL of us, even the parts we wish we could hide) to the Trinitarian GOD. That's a crazy but beautiful thought.
I recommend going through the Psalms of Ascent (Psalms 120-134), which where psalms that were sung on the way up the Holy hill, but are also psalms that have a symbolic low-valley-to-high-mountain expression. They usually start out sounding raw and honest ("Out of the DEPTHS I cry to You, O Lord" — Psalms 130.. my favorite psalm of ascent) and gradually go "up the mountain" of faith and by the end of the psalm, words of hope are proclaimed. That's so real! Life is not all about pretty sounding verses, but its like the psalms you read that you think "how did THAT get in the Bible?!" God wants us to come to Him in honesty and He sees our tear-stained faces and covers us with his grace. (p.s. YouVersion Bible app has a #SheReadsTruth study called Songs of Ascent that I recommend!!)
p.s.s. I'm so glad you mentioned the Eric Mason sermon! I think that's the one sermon from the "Best Sermon Ever" summer series that I missed because of vacation. I attend Mars Hill Church, so it's always fun to see people post a sermon or mention it! 🙂
DITTO, my sweet sister. I, too, feel like a big ugly mess of sin some times – it's like you'd think I'd learn my lesson – you'd think I'd make the wise choice this time, but nope – as it says in the Word, "What I want to do, I don't, but what I don't want to do, I do." His grace is enough, but the afterward of sin hurts deep & my humanity can't grasp such benevolent & lavish grace, such as His. But it is present whether I grasp it or not… So bring on your sweet peace, O Lord, & bathe me in the invisible folds & floods of Your grace, mercy, & forgiveness! "Create in me a clean heart & renew a steadfast spirit within me," is my prayer. Praying for you, too!
Love you,
-Bess-
P.S.: My dad died when I was 13, which is exactly half of my life – & more days than I'd dare admit, I still weep for missing him & feel fear that I only knew him for such a short span – I hope the lessons he taught me stick on through all my years. I just felt led to add that bit – not sure why…
oh girl! This breaks my heart to hear that you are feeling this way. You are not alone sister! I love how say: "God is bigger and stronger" and he is girl!
You have such a beautiful heart! I admire your transparency in your writing, it's so refreshing.
I will be praying for you girl! <3