Looking back over the last few frankly friday’s i’ve realized that i haven’t written a real … raw post in a while; which isn’t always a bad thing. I think i was doing a lot of heavy writing and soul searching and it was draining me – and maybe y’all? I just needed some frankly fridays were i listed out joys and frustrations, where it was bullet points instead of expanding on each one. I think i’ll keep doing frankly friday lists, but when the mood strikes i’m going to really expose my soul.
So today…i’m exposing my soul.
I’ve really been struggling.
My heart has really been struggling.
I know there is a constant battle over my soul and lately i’ve been letting satan win.
& the scary part is i’ve been ok with it – complacent with it.
I’ve bought into the lies satan has whispered into my heart.
I’ve come to believe that i’m as weak, ugly, and useless as satan wants me to believe.
I look in the mirror and don’t see a beautiful woman of God – i see a pile of junk.
Now, not every day mind you, but some days.
The days i buy into the lie.
…i feel – undesirable.
Desire…it’s something i’ve never fully dissected before.
I’ve never really measured the weight of desire and how much it mirrors my feminine heart.
I want to feel beautiful, treasured, desired.
I yearn to be told i’m stunning and brilliant.
I find that i seek out affirmation to remind me of my worth.
…yet i’m not seeking out the only one who can really show me my worth.
The only one who will ever love me the way that i not only want to be loved – but need to be loved.
The only one who will ever fill my heart until it is overflowing and beyond satisfied.
I need Jesus.
I need to be back at the place where my spirt desires Him.
Where i am submersed in His love and am seeking Him out.
I’m not there right now.
And so i feel empty.
& when i feel empty…i wallow in this place of frustration.
Frustrated at my weight.
Frustrated at my singleness.
Frustrated and being far from Jesus.
Just wanting to cry for no reason.
I know Jesus heals.
Only He can mend these wounds.
Only He can take this pain away.
And He wants to…
…i just have to let Him.
. . .
This song…is one of the anthems to my life.
It gives me hope, and reminds me that Jesus is always seeking me out…always loving me no matter how far i run. He desires to break the walls down.
“Walls” by: The Rocket Summer.
I love the entire song, but these lyrics speak volumes to me:
“…and all the weight you carry will disappear, and i will willingly embrace you, so lay your head. So come on home. Come on home. Come on home…”
If you wrote a post that was Frank this week, link up: