Looking back over the last few frankly friday’s i’ve realized that i haven’t written a real … raw post in a while; which isn’t always a bad thing. I think i was doing a lot of heavy writing and soul searching and it was draining me – and maybe y’all? I just needed some frankly fridays were i listed out joys and frustrations, where it was bullet points instead of expanding on each one. I think i’ll keep doing frankly friday lists, but when the mood strikes i’m going to really expose my soul.
So today…i’m exposing my soul.
I’ve really been struggling.
My heart has really been struggling.
I know there is a constant battle over my soul and lately i’ve been letting satan win.
& the scary part is i’ve been ok with it – complacent with it.
I’ve bought into the lies satan has whispered into my heart.
I’ve come to believe that i’m as weak, ugly, and useless as satan wants me to believe.
I look in the mirror and don’t see a beautiful woman of God – i see a pile of junk.
Now, not every day mind you, but some days.
The days i buy into the lie.
…i feel – undesirable.
Desire…it’s something i’ve never fully dissected before.
I’ve never really measured the weight of desire and how much it mirrors my feminine heart.
I want to feel beautiful, treasured, desired.
I yearn to be told i’m stunning and brilliant.
I find that i seek out affirmation to remind me of my worth.
…yet i’m not seeking out the only one who can really show me my worth.
The only one who will ever love me the way that i not only want to be loved – but need to be loved.
The only one who will ever fill my heart until it is overflowing and beyond satisfied.
Jesus.
I need Jesus.
Desperately.
I need to be back at the place where my spirt desires Him.
Where i am submersed in His love and am seeking Him out.
I’m not there right now.
And so i feel empty.
& when i feel empty…i wallow in this place of frustration.
Frustrated at my weight.
Frustrated at my singleness.
Frustrated and being far from Jesus.
Just, frustrated.
Just wanting to cry for no reason.
Just emotional.
Just broken.
Broken.
Utterly broken.
He heals.
I know Jesus heals.
Only He can mend these wounds.
Only He can take this pain away.
And He wants to…
…i just have to let Him.
. . .
This song…is one of the anthems to my life.
It gives me hope, and reminds me that Jesus is always seeking me out…always loving me no matter how far i run. He desires to break the walls down.
“Walls” by: The Rocket Summer.
I love the entire song, but these lyrics speak volumes to me:
“…and all the weight you carry will disappear, and i will willingly embrace you, so lay your head. So come on home. Come on home. Come on home…”
If you wrote a post that was Frank this week, link up:
Beautifully written, my friend. Beautifully written. It's rare when I can say I completely understand (because let's face it, I can't always understand what others are experiencing), but in this case, I really and truly do.
I, too, find it so much easier to believe in the lies. To believe I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not skinny enough, and not funny enough for a guy to love me. But not only could that list go on and on forever, BUT it's also a list that makes me feel worse and worse and worse about myself.
Like you said, it's at those points in time that we realize how much we desperately need Jesus. That we need to refocus ourselves and look to Him and Him only (which can be oh, so hard for single gals like us!).
Thank goodness He heals and His light shines brighter than anyone else's.
Thanks for sharing what's on your heart, girl! I love these posts of yours. 🙂
Love you Amy! Praying for you! I've been in that hurt that drives you to cry yourself to sleep st night from uncertainties & evil one's lies. Here's a post I wrote that I thought might encourage you – you're not alone in this aching hurt.
http://bessbag.blogspot.com/2012/10/crushed.html
Love,
-Bess-
frankly this was one of my favorite posts. we all have been there before – and we all go back. our need for Jesus is unending! I just started a new book called "becoming myself" from staci eldridge and i'll be blogging about it soon but it touches on all this. how satan so desperately wants to wound all us women. he wants to hide our beauty from our eyes. he was the most beautiful and because of his pride he fell – he is like the evil queen and step mother that tries to hid the beautiful princesses beauty from the world. you are beautiful Amy and i know my words are not going to pierce though to your soul but you do need to know that "Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life." Isaiah 43:4 – the words of the Lord. you are desirable.
also, i am married and i still struggle with this. i still wonder if my husband thinks i am beautiful. i still wish i was skinnier or prettier for him. i still look at other wives and compare. Staten still tries to tell me i am not worth it. marriage is not the answer (as you already know)it is Jesus. and it is good that we need Him (it is not weakness) it is beauty & strength.
Amy, I feel like I have a lot that I COULD tell you but I also know that it would be nothing new. You already know the TRUTH. It's just a matter of letting it sink into the depths of your heart. Definitely not an easy thing.
Also, You've been saying for a while now that you are… stuck? Complacent. What can I do to help you? Emails with encouragement? Accountability? Read a book together? Let me know! I could use a friend along the journey as well as I have not been as into God as I should be… sifting through hurt and all can do that to a person. Not that it makes it ok… just the reality of what is going on with me right now.
Anyways… let me know what I can do to help you!
Oh sweet girl, I am so sorry you are going through this season! You are in my prayers, dear. The Lord loves you and He is always there for you. You are very loved!
Amy, LOVE IT! It's these Fridays that I look forward to. 🙂
God's doing something. You're not okay with it anymore and you're looking back to God. Keep looking!!! Can't wait to see what's coming next!
I love this. I love it. And i am praying for you. I was feeling like this recently… sinking deeper and deeper into the sadness of infertility. And as i was reading a book i read, "You can let this infertility cause you to run from God, or you can let it draw you closer to Him" & i decided right then that's what i would do. I needed another worship cd and i got Christy Nockels… have you heard of her? Sometimes i cry in my car on the way to work, worshiping Him along with her. And i feel much closer to Him than i was.
Hang in there, girl! I know you will find your way back! xoxo
Aww Amy! The place you are in is so hard. I've been there. Hang in there! Keep seeking Him and you will find HIm! Praying that God would reignite the desire in your soul and that even while it's not there He will give you the motivation to not lose heart and to keep searching Him even when it seems your in a desert with no water.
Thanks for being so open. raw, even. This takes courage to put it all out there.
***HUGS! Lots and lots of hugs***
I am frustrated with my body at times, too. I know our body is just supposed to be our casing for when we are on Earth, but it's not always easy to ignore appearances. 🙁 I will keep you in my prayers.
shoot, girl. thank you for writing and sharing this. it spoke right into my heart because i definitely struggle with listening to the lies, putting up walls, and not letting Jesus in. i was just having a conversation with my bestie about some of these things this weekend, so perfect timing. 🙂
Oh sweet friend, I am so sorry that I got so behind in blog reading and am only just now seeing this. I have been there. I have felt the pain and brokenness you describe. It can be so hard to just surrender to Jesus and let Him heal our hearts. Especially since it's not just a one-time thing. There is a daily surrendering that happens. Love you, Amy!