renew retreat | getting real

sigh.
yes…a big ol’ sigh.
this post is about to get raw, like really, really raw.
basically this is a frankly friday post haha.
so grab a mug of something warm, settle in with me, and keep your heart open.

the renew retreat weekend was so needed.
i needed to get out of town, to meet new people, to be surrounded by like-minded/hearted women in a cabin, in the mountains, in the cold. i needed it.
God knew i needed it too.
i went into the weekend with no expectations really, just open to whatever came my way…to whatever i could learn from the women, from the mountains, from God.

saturday morning i woke up and went for my phone (yes, horrible habit) and scrolled through my FB news feed. it was early, sleep was still in my eyes, i’m sure my breath was kicking, and then my heart skidded to a halt.
i scrolled back up.
blink.
blink.
no, i can’t be reading this right now.
blink.
long exaggerated sigh.
heart twinged a little.
my ex-boyfriend got engaged the night before.
it’s been many…many years since we’ve broken up.
throughout those years we’ve gone back and forth with each other.
used each other i suppose you could say – we were each others fall backs.
i actually talked to him earlier this year...and it ended badly…well at least not perfectly.
but there was a finality to it.
i could tell that time it was different – more weighted – more sure.
i actually wrote in my journal “i feel like it’s really finished. for good. for ever.“
so we haven’t spoken, not once since then.
it’s been 9ish months.
so as i stared at my phone i didn’t really know how to feel.
was i happy? sad? let down? confused? joyful? grateful?
i think i was all of them at one point or another.

you see, the Lord had really been preparing my heart.
showing me that this woman, the one he had been dating, would be his wife.
as weird as it sounds, it was like 5 months ago the Lord first began whispering it – and it became louder and louder as the months passed.

so why does this matter?
why am i even sharing this? (or over sharing depending on how you look at it)
because…this weekend was about being renewed.
finding strength in Christ.
being surrounded and encouraged by women.

i took these heavy emotions downstairs and grabbed a (delicious) mug of coffee and headed out to the crisp fall air and a rocking chair on the porch. i stared at the mountains for what seemed like forever, then cracked the spine of my Bible and journal and turned to the Psalms. i didn’t need a devotional that morning – i needed the Word of God. i needed to bleed scripture. i needed my heart to be soothed because i was feeling a little wreckish.
and God was good (isn’t HE always).

i wrote out a prayer to the Lord after reading through His word…
…Lord, comfort me. Your word tells me that You listen and affirm and carry my burden. i look at the mountains – the daylight shinning down on them, and see how You sustain them. why should i worry about my own heart? i know You hear my cries. Remind me of your comfort and love. i need it. 

so this retreat…the beauty of it…the strength of it…the distraction of it….the joy and silence of it…renewed me. restored me, and it set me on a beautiful path.

i feel much lighter now.
i’m not carrying around the weight of heart break.
there is this beautiful (and needed) finality to my past.
this relationship is over (as it has been for a long, long time).
there is nothing i can do to change it. and i wouldn’t want to.

i feel like i’m rambling…but i want to get this out. i want to really SPEAK on what is on my heart, not just gloss over it. society tells me i should feel horrible that my ex is getting married before me. that he is happy and i’m not. which isn’t really true. i’m so happy for him and this new path he is walking on. and i mean, yeah, sure, i feel a little jealous…but i want to be clear – i do not (and have not) want him back. i suppose the weight and sadness i felt was from what we had/used to be – and this is the true closure of it being over forever. i don’t know that i’m explaining it well…but its just been weighing on my heart to write it all out.
i might feel foolish for clicking “publish” on this post one day.
and maybe i wont.
maybe you needed to read this too.
maybe you’re walking through a similar season and while you’re happy for their happiness there is still a small sting with the finality of the event.

but the beautiful thing about endings…
…are the new beginnings they bring. 

photo cred of me & megan with the coffee – meg