i was recently writing out a facebook message to two girlfriends when i realized something was really, really bothering me. i’ve mentioned it in passing to my roommate, and even to eddie, but i hadn’t fully understood the depths in which it was rooted.
let me just copy and paste what i sent them:
do you feel me?
friendships are hard.
and my heart hurts.
i look around – at facebook, instagram, snapchat – and i just feel left-out.
this feeling, like i’m missing something, has been a part of my life for years.
i easily get jealous and feel like i’m not good enough and that is why i’m chosen to be left out.
i know it’s a lie from the pits of hell – but my emotional heart just takes it to a place where i feel less than.
life happens – people connect with other people – and they make time for each other and sometimes it is easy and you don’t realize it happens, and then other times it hits you like a hook in the stomach and you’re left wondering why you’re no longer “a part of something”.
a few years ago there was a group of us that hung out every single weekend, and even most week nights. we played games, laughed, watched movies, grabbed food, and just spent time investing in one another. and then we all went through a common hurt – a wound that really cut deep and severed a lot of our friendships. i think it was just hard to spend time with one another because it reminded us of the pain we were all still working through. and so our group stopped.
and i found myself invested in other people, and spending time doing new things and laughing new laughs – and just…changing with life.
and maybe i’m at that season again.
where certain friendships have just changed, even though i didn’t want them to and didn’t make them – they just have.
or, maybe i’m simply over-reacting and being dramatic.
but i can’t help but feel this sting of isolation, and my heart hurts.
i talked to my aunt about it recently – and she was talking about effort.
i know it takes effort – but hearing that friendships in their 40s take constant effort helped remind me to be diligent and intentional with how i reach out to people. i never want others to feel isolated because of something i’ve done – intentionally or non-intentionally.
so this is a current struggle of mine.
walking uphill and trying to figure out where i stand, what i may have done, and how to dig back in to people who are important to me.
i’m a clinger.
i hold on to people who i love, cherish, and value.
and when i loose them, even if for a season, it cuts me so deep and i take it so personally (even though i know i shouldn’t).
so please be praying for me.
that the Lord will do a mighty work in my heart to un-root some bitterness and lies.
and that i will be diligent in building and cultivating the friendships He has put in my life.