relationship | our engagement

it started out like a few of our mornings have when i have come to visit.
we grabbed some delicious sausage, egg & cheese bagels from bagel caboose and then started our two-hour drive to go hiking. eddie wouldn’t tell me where we were going, all  knew was that we were hiking and it was a two hour drive.
it was a sunday, 7/3/16, and we listened to a podcast from the village church which was so good and we chatted about out thoughts on it. it was truly a beautiful drive to the white mountains in new hampshire. i kept commenting on how beautiful the water was, and the mountains, and how i saw a beaver AND a bear – unfortunately they were both dead on the side of the road! 🙁 🙁

the hike started off nice – easy terrain and a solid pace.
then we hit this point where i looked up and took a huge gulp of air.
the amount of rocks we had to climb was daunting.
we powered through for a while and eventually hit the “hut” where people can get provisions and take a nap/sleep while hiking the Appalachian trail. Eddie’s map said it was a 1.2 mile hike to the overlook.
uh.
that map lied.
it was 1.2 miles that felt like 12.
i thought we had gone through steep rocks to get to the hut – but NO.
no, no, no.
those rocks were a challenge.
there were a few times where i felt like just stopping because seriously, we had gone so far and i couldn’t see an end in sight. my legs, hips, and butt were burning from all of the rock climbing. we didn’t pack anything to eat other than lara bars and kind bars and were starting to run out of water. to say i was tired was an understatement. there was a point where eddie said we could turn around – and i considered it, but i knew that he had planned this hike and i didn’t want to let him down.

as we were creeping up this mountain eddie made a comment that kind of just sat with me for a while.
he pointed to the steep incline of rocks and said “you know, this path is kind of life my pursuit of you”. there were easy parts but a lot of it was uphill, a struggle, and was painful. i looked at where we were – and where we have come to – and i made an outward joke of “so, you’re going to put me through physical hell because i put you through all of this emotional hell.” and we just kind of laughed and kept climbing.
but as my legs burned and my lungs were panting – i really, truly, wholly, came to terms with how much this man has fought for me. how much i put him through – and his relentless pursuit and fight for me. (you can read our story here)

we saw a few people coming down from the overlook and they kept encouraging us “you’re almost there” – this happened a few times, and that “almost there” turned into another 30 minutes *cough liars, cough*. FINALLY we really were almost there and eddie bolted to the top and left me behind thinking “what the heck, are you a monkey?” and i was so tired from the climb. when i hit the overlook i saw him talking to a couple up there – and i’m not going to lie, my first thought was he has hired someone to take pictures of us getting engaged – and then the guy held eddies phone and was like “let me get y’alls picture up here, it was a hard hike!” so i kind of let that thought slide away. the guy snapped a few pictures of us and then they called their two sons up from the little cliff edge and i wanted to walk down there to look at all of it. eddie was walking behind me – and i had this feeling – like it just FELT right and like we were on the cusp of something great, i was shaking a smidge. i was looking at the mountains in front of me, and was putting my fingers through my hair to give my neck some air when i noticed movement to my left. my peripheral vision saw eddie getting down on one knee and my breath caught.

i always had this thought that i would bust into an ugly cry when this day came; and then the older i got and the more cynical and bitter that a relationship would never happen i thought crying was a little cliche and dumb (honest). so when i started tearing up i surprised myself, i saw him holding this beautiful wooden box with two beautiful rings (engagement and wedding band), and i heard him say “i know i’m not perfect…i love you….will you marry me” everything else got lost in the midst of my heartbeat rushing through my ears. literally i heard WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH as i shook and teared up. i looked into eddie’s eyes, the mountains framing him, and it was kind of like everything settled into place, it just made sense. i saw how much this man loved me, how much he fought for me – for us, and how the Lord completely guided us together, apart for a while, and then back together again. i felt my hearts remaining walls crumble into dust and i just got lost for a moment.
the breath re-entered my lungs and i said yes, he slid the ring onto my finger, we kissed and hugged and just kind of held each other for a moment.
at that moment i really wanted to ugly cry.
but i held it together (i’m so proud of myself).

the lady who was with her husband was like “y’all should come on back up, we don’t want you to fall and die, that would be unfortunate” and we just both kind of laughed.
later looking at the pictures – we realized that while it was a BEAUTIFUL spot, and we wouldn’t change it, as eddie said “had you fainted, you would have died” hahaha. because there was NO barrier, and nothing but down on the other side of my right foot.
once we walked back up and away from the little cliff we sat down and just stupid grinned at each other.
i asked him if he had talked to my grandfather when he was in town in june and he told me about his conversation with my grandfather and my brother. we chatted about the ring, and about how he had kept it a secret, and how he had a video that he made and wanted to use to propose -but there was no cell phone service to show it.
he made me promise i wouldn’t text or call anyone until after i saw the video – and then took my phone so i wouldn’t be tempted, ha!

after our engagement – and during our hike down i paused for a moment, looked at him and said, eddie – i know that the Lord had you walk through that hard pursuit of me for you – but really for me too. i needed to know that you would push for me, that you would pursue me and draw me closer to the Lord and to yourself, that you would fight for me and find me worthy of so many things.
there has been so many lack-luster pursuits and promises in my life that i doubted the real thing.
hard.

when we got back to his truck and were in a place with service – he stopped the car and gave me his ipad to watch the video he made. he had the video set to one of our favorite songs, and had started with words like “why do you choose Amy” and then he had VIDEO from when he was in Iceland (back in april!!) where he was starting his proposal to me. (he said with all of his time alone to explore and think it was then he knew that i was it for him, that i was who he wanted to spend his life with). he said some of the most beautiful things and i totally started crying while watching it. when it ended i just looked at him, with tears rolling down my face, and smiled. i couldn’t believe he had put so much thought into this moment, and i fell in love with him all over again.

now, for a moment to just show you how personal God is.
i debated on whether or not to share this part, but i think it just goes to show how satan tried so hard to bring such doubt into my mind the night before eddie asked me to be his wife. and it was in THAT moment that i knew how much i loved him, and how we were meant to be in each others lives for the long haul.

the night before our engagement we were cuddling before going our separate ways to sleep (him on an air mattress in the spare bedroom, me in his room just for the record! haha). and as his arm was banded around my waist i had this overwhelming sense of anxiety. it’s been a while since something like that hit – but it was this moment of panic, of unfathomable doubt, and ridiculous suffocating out-of-no where fear that i knew it wasn’t from the Lord. i was doubting eddie and our relationship. if he was who the Lord had for me, and if it was right to be with him.  and as i wrestled with the anxiety – thinking of how i could just get it to stop and i finally asked for eddie to pray for me, i didn’t tell him what for (other than some anxiety). he started with thanking God for me – for creating me the way He did and drawing us together, and then he prayed for my anxiety – that the Lord would bring comfort and peace, and then he prayed for any doubts or fears i may be having that were not grounded in the Lord. i started weeping. God is so personal and this man who holds my heart prayed the exact words i was trying so hard to fight for. the doubt that entered into my mind was not of God and i truly believe it was satan trying to throw me off for the day the Lord had in store before us. while he was ending in prayer all weight, anxiety, and fear melted away. it was like my body just felt light, warm, and comforted.
God knows abundantly more than i ever could, and even when i have anxiety plaguing me – he instills wisdom, love, and grace within Eddie to so tenderly pray for me in the words my heart so desperately needs to hear.

/// in case people are curious – eddie got my ring from brilliant earth (i had never heard of them) – and he researched the company and made the decision to go with them because they are a conflict free diamond and engagement ring company. conflict free means (to take a quote from their website) “A guarantee that a diamond is “conflict free” is a guarantee that it has not financed a civil war. But many diamonds that are technically “conflict free” are nevertheless tainted by torture, rape, beatings, and killings committed by oppressive governments. Problems such as child labor, forced labor, pitifully low wages, dangerous working conditions, corruption, and environmental devastation do not prevent a diamond from earning a “conflict free” label. At Brilliant Earth, we go beyond conflict free to offer diamonds that are wholly free from ethical abuses. In fact, we guarantee that our diamonds meet the highest labor and environmental standards. No other major jeweler can offer a comparable guarantee.”
Eddie knew that getting a conflict free ring would make it even more important to me.

p.s. this is NOT a sponsored post, nor did he get a discount because of my blog; i just wanted to share this company because i am so impressed with them; they have no idea i’m posting this haha.