“I’m just so irritated.”
That’s how a text started to my friend the other day about weight loss.
It’s been a while since I’ve really written out what’s happening in my weight-loss / healthy living journey – in fact the last real vulnerable post was back in April of this year…so I guess today is the day I just need to get real today, with myself, and with you.
I’ve been doing KETO off and on for about 2 months now…and have lost mayyybeeee 5lbs. While I’m thankful for that 5lb loss I’m still struggling, HARD, with my body. My bloat is out of control, the inches around my waist and hips keep creeping (bad for heart health!), and with the added dairy into my diet I’ve been having more skin problems (I hardly eat dairy in my regular diet). If I’m honest with myself I thought KETO would be a quick fix. I could eliminate xyz from my diet and I would drop 15lbs in 2 weeks like I’ve been seeing all of these people do! I’m active (walk minimum 5 miles a day) and go to hard workout classes and hike and eat pretty well – and yet my weight hardly moves.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried in the last few months regarding my weight and self-esteem.
THIS STUFF IS HARD.
Some people are able to stick with a regime and their body just responds really well; mine, not so much, it’s a slow crawl to the finish line. Just today I was telling a friend that I need to step back, re-evaluate what is happening and what my relationship with food is and then get back to it. When I was at my most healthy it took A LOT of work to get there, but I didn’t deprive myself. I ate 98% clean with the occasional brownie or lunch out and still continued to eat really well and workout really hard…and it took me 3 years to get to 145lbs.
I am now sitting around 160-165lbs.
I would like to see 135. I have never, ever, in my adult life seen what my body could look like at that weight.
I would like to see myself love myself with a fierceness I’ve never actually experienced. I’m mean to myself.
I hope to have a better relationship with food – to view it as fuel and not comfort and love and security. The older I get the more I realize how deep my addiction to food can be and how it is hindering me from growing. I don’t want to be hindered because of lack of self-control and self-discipline.
So, here I am sitting at a weight I don’t like, and hoping to make some changes.
I don’t want to follow a diet (like keto or whole30 both of which I’ve done and enjoyed) but instead really want to eat clean, look at food as fuel, and start enjoying my body again. I’ve been battling with a lot of stomach issues followed by a back injury followed by a stupid cold so I’m slowing getting back to a place of feeling like I can begin to workout hard again and be on track. God is continually teaching me about grace & rest and how much of it I don’t give myself.
Back in April I listed out some goals that I was hoping to accomplish…and I’m here to say that while I’ve been trying, it just hasn’t been happening. I actually want to re-list the goals here because I HAVE been doing them but need to refocus. So here it is, THIS is what I want to be focusing on when it comes to my healthy living journey. THESE are the points I want to focus on, not being hyper aware of a diet or fad, etc.
Cooking at home
Limit eating out
Eating real food
Motivation on my mirrors (you’ll see a post on that soon)
Diving into a bible study