I have found myself walking through the fog lately.
I’m not sure how to really explain it other than I feel kind of disconnected from everything. I’m not in a bad mood, I’m not in a joyful mood, I’m kind of just making it through each day as it comes.
I’ve honestly never been in this place, that I can remember, where I feel like I’m treading water in my own pity party. It’s an odd feeling to feel consumed by “my problems” when in reality I don’t have many. I think it’s more so myself trying to process all the emotions / feelings / decisions that come with now being married and my husband being gone. Let me just go ahead and say this is the oddest post to write because I never thought I would be here, be this person, feel these feelings.
I’m a pretty independent individual. It’s something I’ve been kind of thrust into since I was 13 and it’s a trait I really admire and love about myself. Getting married in my late 20s meant that I was even more independent with having to do all the adulting alone. Since getting married I would joke with Eddie that he had “made me dependent” and man I don’t know how to process those emotions. I expected myself to be a lot stronger through this deployment, basically acting like it didn’t phase me, and it was just a blip of a season in my life and I would get through it just like anything else.
Yet here I sit, super early on a Monday morning, spilling out these words in a way that just kind of says “I don’t know how to do this”. I find myself feeling some self-loathing creeping in that I am being so dang weak in this. I know that isn’t healthy and I also know it’s ok to have off moments in this season….but weakness is not a feeling that sits well with me. ((I’m totally an 8 on the Enneagram if that tells you anything!))
Other people are starting to notice too.
I’ve had people comment on how spaced out I seam, how disconnected from others I am, how I’m kind of turning in on myself vs outwardly connecting. That also makes me feel weak; I’m unable to hold it together enough to make it not noticeable to others.
I’m definitely going to be contacting my old counselor now that I’m back in town. I think it will be a healthy decision to walk through this season with a little extra support.
So there you have it. There is a real glimpse into where I’m at right now and it’s messy. I think it’s easy for everyone to put their best self out there for others to see. That’s not me though, I want this to always be a real space. I want this to be what I intended it to be, a connection and reflection of my life. I want to look back at these posts in the years to come and remember where I’ve been and the steps I’ve taken forward.