Today I am 26 weeks, which honestly is mind blowing considering I simultaneously feel like I just announced we were expecting and it’s also been a lifetime of knowing I’m pregnant. Baby boy is growing quickly and I find him kicking around like crazy at random times in the evening, especially if it’s after I eat a cookie ;). We’ve settled on a name and I can’t wait to share it soon because truth be told it’s two family name and I love it. I’m still not settled on how to decorate the nursery and it’s driving me crazy; I know in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter – but here I am confessing it anyway ha. I can’t believe in what will probably feel like the longest and shorts weeks we will be meeting our son. What a wild world
Last night I shared the following two images on my instagram stories that prompted me to lay in my bed later that night and type out the words below. Sometimes it’s cathartic to just express where we are without really fearing how others will view it. If you’ve been around this blog for a while then you already know the history of how I lost my parents and the toll that’s taken on my life. This is just another post where I share some of those late night ramblings that roll around in my head because I know that I want to save a space for them.
Grief is a funny thing, maybe funny is not the right word but something along those lines. When memories and emotions you thought you’ve buried years ago come rushing to the surface you’re left to meet it with either laughter or tears and sometimes a mixture of both. Every new season of my life I wonder what role my parents would be playing in it. I find myself trying to remember the cadence of their voice, the pitch of their laugh, the weight of their hugs, and more often than not unfortunately I come up empty handed. And those are the moments I’m grateful for the memories of others and also the precious family videos that we have to look back on.
Being pregnant I find myself experiencing a lot of new emotions, fears, concerns, and excitement and I really wish that I was able to sit down with my mom and have these conversations of what her experiences were carrying myself and my brother. I find myself wanting to know more about the childhood of both of my parents; I want to know what my dad thinks of having another grandson. I have so many questions that I just want answers to and I’m left in the space of no one really being able to give them because mom and dad are no longer here and it’s been so long memories are foggy. It’s a hard pill to swallow.
I found myself sitting on our baby boys nursery floor the yesterday and emotions enveloped me in a way I haven’t felt in years. Grief resurfaced and I found myself having to walk through the stages of remembering the loss I’ve experienced. I’m not saying any of this to seek out pity but more so to just mark a moment in my life where grief is tangible and I’m still processing through the trauma of losing both parents. My hope is that as our child grows I can teach him about who his grandparents were, what they loved, what they stood for, the lives that they touched. My hope is that in the generations to come their memories are not lost but instead are like whispers in the wind reminding each person to live their best life and to love others well.
I love you Mom & Dad.