This was a hard post to write.
It’s difficult to put out your true feelings and thoughts (mostly) unfiltered where so many can read them and may have different views. We live in a world now where having an opinion that may go against the mainstream means you’re teetering in that cancel culture camp. We no longer live in a place where you can say something and disagree with someone else, or you’re unable to make a mistake and learn from it. It’s just weird, so a lot of us turn to self censorship because honesty feels vulnerable and vulnerability is scary.
Yet, I really want to document ALL the thoughts I’m having (good and bad) during this season of life and shoot pandemic pregnancy is WEIRD y’all (and this is with half of my pregnancy having vaccines in the general public) and I want to remember what it was like years from now when it feels foggy.
PS – Pictures below document 30 weeks!
I miss church. I miss worshipping collectively with a body of believers and hearing the message directly from the pulpit sometimes just hits differently. Eddie and I had big dreams of coming back to Charleston for his shore duty and getting incredibly invested in a church, small group, and building relationships with other christians and feeding into a support system for one of the most important areas of our individual and partnered lives; and we haven’t been able to do that. Eddie is now vaccinated and I’m not (pregnancy, yay!) and I’m still a little hesitant to go back to the church we want to attend as it’s a larger community and I’m having to be mindful of not only my health but the baby inside of me. I know everyone has different feelings on this one, but as a soon to be mother carrying her child I am doing what I think is best for now even though it’s hard. I’ve struggled, A LOT, with my personal relationship with Jesus and making it a priority. I am hardly in the word and definitely not carving out daily time to read the Bible or spend legitimate time with Jesus. I will say that I am thankful that Eddie and I take turns praying together every night over our lives and our sons life and that brings me immense joy and peace.
Eddie and I also had BIG dreams of lots of family time when we came back to Charleston. Thankfully, even with the pandemic, we’ve been able to invest some quality time with family here. It definitely hasn’t been everything we hoped for (lots of family dinners, more vacations together, etc) but we are thankful to have family right up the street and to see them as often as we can. PLUS we’re growing our little family with our son coming this September so that’s a huge change for us and added joy.
I’ve felt incredibly isolated and alone in this pregnancy. The pandemic definitely caused a lot of strain within friendships which is easy to do when you can’t see each other for a long time and it feels like you’re all living one long groundhog day. Now we are coming into a season where there is becoming a sense of normalcy again. Everyone has their own struggles they are facing day to day and it just feels like I’m left in the dust and this season of my life is not celebrated. I feel really selfish saying that but I feel like I need to process how I’m feeling and if I’m transparent with myself that’s where I’m at. Unfortunately I had these same feelings / experiences when Eddie and I got engaged so it stings to have these feelings again during another celebratory season of my life. I’m saddened that I’m at a place in my life where community feels scarce and while I know people love me, there is a struggle to connect and feel invested. It’s hard and it makes me cry more often than I would like to admit. I’ve also come to terms with the likely possibility of some friendships changing once baby gets here. Some people who don’t have children don’t want to be around babies, some are struggling in their journey to parenthood and it might be too hard, and some just won’t invest if I’m no longer investing because new babies take all your time. I don’t know, this is a hard area of my life right now and some days I’m ok, and other days I’m overwhelmingly sad (yay pregnancy hormones).
Gosh, there was SO MUCH emotions all of 2020 that sometimes felt debilitating. I remember when we first found out I was pregnant I was so excited but also so fearful, anxious, and sad. I was excited for the new life we were going to bring into this world, for the joy of raising a human and seeing the magic through a child’s eyes, for the hope of growing a light for this world to know and be loved through kindness by Jesus. YET – I was scared of the unknown, of what this pandemic would look like come delivery, of nog seeing friends/family often to help celebrate and spur me on in good thoughts, of feeling robbed of the “normal” pregnancy celebrations.
While this isn’t pandemic related, I’ve also found immense sadness that my parents will not be here to walk through this journey with Eddie & I. That our child will not have the traditional grandparents (both of my parents have passed and Eddie’s mother has passed) to love on him and to help us. While I know we have family and a few friends who we can lean on, I sometimes feel burdensome asking for help. (I share more about my thoughts on this here)
I’ve also been struggling with closing the chapter on our childless life and opening the new chapter of parenthood. Being in your 30s and having your first child makes you SUPER aware of how much you’re letting go and what all is coming from watching family/friends walk before you. It doesn’t mean I’m not excited about this new chapter but it is hard to realize that my mornings, days, and evenings are no longer going to be what I want to do, but that baby’s needs come first.
Being forced into homebody status was a hard adjustment for me. Granted I love being home and doing house projects; but I also LOVE finding new places to explore, people to meet, and things to do. Having those normal things to do outside of the house snatched from all of us was so dang hard (no movies, dinners, friends over for game night, etc) and now that we’re slowly able to start doing that again it just feels foreign and weird to do, so we haven’t. I struggled with feeling “robbed” of these last few months of child-free responsibility and not being able to go on vacations where we wanted, go do things around town, etc. #FirstWorldProblems but it’s thoughts I had often.
So those have just been some of my thoughts during this time of our lives.
I’m sure I’m forgetting 90% of the thoughts I’ve had / wanted to talk about but hey, it happens.