discuss your first love & first kiss.
bleh. remind me again why i picked this topic? such a touchy subject for some – and honestly it can be a little revealing, am’i’right?.
i think i should talk about the kiss first – since it came before my first love. my first kiss was a block away from my house – with a boy name stephen – who i had some weird crush on. he was younger than me, we both had braces, and it was incredibly awkward. did i mention we were in the middle of the street, in broad daylight, in the middle of the afternoon? yeah – weird. i was…hmmm..12? in the moment i remember being so excited and i thought “i really like this guy”…looking back now – my gosh what was i thinking? a first kiss is so special, it’s something most girls remember forever, and now that i’m older i can’t help but think…him, really?! man, if i could go back in time and give myself a talking to. and for the record – this bro went on to kiss two of my other friends. so really i wasn’t that special. gah.
my first love was – well it is still hard to define. mostly because i’ve felt like a few guys could have been that first “love”. there was my best friend – who i was “in love with” for years (you know – classic tell them on graduation night story but you remain friends). then there was my first “real” (long-distance) boyfriend who i was “in love with” and we planned our life out – and he cheated – and we broke up. i was devastated. then there was my last boyfriend – who was also long distance – and i thought we would get married too – i think out of all of them, the last was my first.
something about that relationship grounded me. not to put on rose colored glasses, but the relationship held a lot of good and was a beautiful learning experience. God used him to break down a lot of my walls, and to speak a lot of truth into my life in regards to bitterness, anxiety, and letting go. he pursued me (as much as he could long distance) and made me feel special, we prayed together, fasted, and encouraged each others spiritual journeys. there were bad days, weeks, months, mixed in there too – if we’re being completely honest. he wasn’t always the best, and neither was i. yet somewhere along the road i fell in love, deeply in love. i don’t think he really knew that – until after we broke up. he was so…many things to me. i actually found an old comment from him that read, “i’ll be your safety, and your shelter, and your home”. ah – how sad.
that last relationship taught me a lot. it also instilled fear and frustration towards love.
i’ve come to the conclusion that i love deeply. sometimes too deep and too reckless, and it means that my “healing time” is more challenging than others.
i feel that, in some way, i loved him too much, too deeply, and it was incredibly foolish.
i really believed that he would be my husband one day – so when that wasn’t in the cards anymore, my heart was incredibly hurt.
so now on to the discussion i suppose.
what have i learned from these experiences?
from broken love?
love is challenging.
love grows and diminishes.
but love is beautiful.
and worth it.
and it can leave you feeling full or hollow.
love is a scary thing for me now.
and i don’t want it to be.
and i’m working through it.
but scary still.
sharing my life with someone is something i desire – but also have no idea how to approach it anymore. how do i know WHO to give my heart away to or WHEN?
scripture tells us “above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do comes from it” (proverbs 4:23 NIV)
– i did not guard my heart well. i let it run wild and free; and in the process i learned the lesson that love can be painful and you can get yourself in too deep when you are not guarding your heart.
scripture also tells us “i adjore you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.” (song of solomon 8:4 ESV)
– i awoke love long before it pleased. i chased love; and i felt the consequences. God shares this with us as a warning, as a guideline, because He loves us so much that He wants to spare our hearts from unneeded pain.
while i do not look at my loving deeply as a bad quality (i consider it one of my favorites), it definitely presents challenges and often painful lessons learned.
i’ve learned that life, love, and broken love, are all beautiful things.
they can all bring joy, happiness, pain, and frustration; but that is just life in general.
i’m happy to have the memories and learned experiences.
i’m happy to have had the opportunity to love who i’ve loved.
i’ve been changed by it.
i’ve grown from it.
even when i have my moments of why on earth did i…. i’m still thankful.
and there is my attempt and wrapping up that incredibly random stream of thoughts.
also – man i was pretty dang honest all up in there.
50 points for Gryffindor!