I’m on the struggle bus….hard.
I find myself writing this post in the small window of time where I just got home for a workout / showered / made breakfast and am trying to cross at least 15 things off of my to-do list before going to my part-time job. Today is a longer shift at my part-time job and it’s really just putting me in this funky place.
So instead of trying to finish a pretty post I’ve had in the drafts I figured I would sit down and just write. You know the kind of post where there is no real flow to it, no structure or call to action – just a basic journal entry.
I feel completely uninspired.
I feel depleted but energized at the same time. Certain areas of my life are going well (working out, figuring out weight watchers, seeing my family, my photography business), while others are just kind of stalling out. I feel this crushing weight of expectations I’ve laid on myself to get ALL the things done and I often end my day feeling like I accomplished nothing. My blog, this space, is S-U-F-F-E-R-I-N-G. I come into my little office and sit down to work and feel overwhelmed by the unanswered emails, the scheduling, applying for sponsored posts, that when I actually open up a draft I don’t know what to write. I feel so out of touch with the blog world that I often find myself asking, does my voice even matter?
It really doesn’t help that this part-time job I have is M-F in the smack dab MIDDLE of the day. I find myself getting into a grove with my personal work and just when I find my sweet spot I have to shut it all down and go to my part-time job that honestly is way more stressful than I thought it would be. By the time I get home the last thing I want to do is hole up in my office and stare at a computer screen for hours playing catch up.
My friendships here are still in the process of being redefined and recreated. I have come to realize that those who invest in me and those I want to invest in have really been culled down to where I know it’s time for me to start branching out and making some new friendships. YET – I’ve found that the outgoing super friendly Amy is struggling to come out. I actually wrote about this the other day and it’s been a constant thought in my mind ever since. It’s like I’ve been in this place of constant change / starting over that I just don’t know how to settle anymore. I don’t know how to put roots in and really dig deep with people because “I know I’ll just be leaving again”. It isn’t the mentality I should have, and it definitely wasn’t the mentality I had in San Diego but for some reason being back in my hometown I am overwhelmed with this sense of “I just don’t know what to do”.
Do you ever get to that place?
Where life takes over, you find yourself going through the motions and you just don’t even know how you got there? I want to start posting about the good stuff, the fun stuff, the light hearted as well as REAL stuff. I think I put so much dang pressure on having pretty pictures, meaningful calls to actions, and “look at me” posts that I’ve lost sight of this being a space in my life to just let it go. I’ve been hustling to keep up with all the other creators that I just feel worthless as a blogger. I used to love journaling and now I haven’t picked up a pen to express my feelings in weeks and that isn’t helpful for me.
I’m in this odd season where I feel incredibly isolated and alone even though I’m surrounded by family and friends. My husband is deployed and while most days I don’t think much about it, others I feel the weight like a crushing bulldozer and I don’t know how to process the feelings. I am unable to talk to my best friend because communication with him is limited or nonexistent. I am unable to receive the physical affection I desire and need from my husband because he is not home. I am unable to encourage, uplift, and cheer on my husband because well, you guessed it, he isn’t here. I don’t want to throw pity parties for myself, and I honestly don’t know how my ladies who have children are doing this, but dang it’s hard y’all.
So this is me sitting down with you saying “I just can’t do it all” and I’m becoming more and more ok with that. I am terrified of my page view numbers dropping because let’s be honest that matters in the blog world if you’re trying to make a little $$ on the side and I’m even more scared that I just don’t have a relevant voice anymore. Yet if I’m honest…I can’t keep this pace up.
So maybe I just need to take a step back.
Read some blogs for fun again.
Invest in others.
Stroll around for inspiration and joy vs just simply a marketing tool.
Check in here with posts that I want to write not simply because I think you want to read them.
This is where I’m at.
The nitty gritty – the real – the not so often spoke about.
I am struggling…and that is okay.