Written Yesterday 9/20/21
I’m sitting in the stillness of our home watching you soothe yourself to sleep on the baby monitor and I found myself making a mental check list of everything I needed to get done while you’re napping. You’re turning one tomorrow and your birthday party is this Saturday which is a celebration of love for you and a house full of people…the to-do list feels never ending.
Then, I paused, and figured now is the perfect time to sit down and collect some thoughts from the last year. Of course the minute I just wrote that last sentence tears pricked my eyes and endless emotions came to the surface.
This time last year I was straightening the last minute things around the house, making sure your laundry was washed and folded, and re-checking our hospital bags as we would be leaving for my induction. Little did I know that I would most certainly NOT be induced on the 20th but that everything would start on the 21st and you would make your emergent and remarkable entrance into the world.
Those first few moments with you are a haze of medication and pain from my c-section; but I fondly remember your father putting you on my chest and saying “here he is” and as my hand found the warmth of your back I felt like everything clicked into place…you were here. I remember trying to get you to latch in the hospital and feeling very, very overwhelmed with postpartum emotions. When we got home I felt anxious and unsure of everything and my blood pressure was through the roof. I couldn’t sleep, eat, or function well…my hormones were truly in a vicious cycle. Thankfully that only lasted a little while and then I was able to get on some medication to help me see you more clearly. I never knew how much I could love someone until I held you in my arms. To know that I grew you, from a tiny mustard seed to the human being you were just made me believe in God even more. Those first few weeks were incredibly difficult. Learning how to cat nap and function on little to no sleep is something no one can prepare you for but you really do level out and learn to carry on.
Then you started doing all of your firsts over the next few months. Your first coos, smiles, finger squeezing, side rolling, rolling over and sitting up, laughing and saying mama and dada (dada first of course). Watching you learn new things and experience the world was unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. It has filled my heart with such overwhelming joy to watch you grow. This past year has taught me a lot about myself and has shone a light on areas that need refinement and grace and change but I’m willing to do those things because I’m your mom and I want to be the best mom I can be.
I’m so blessed I get to stay at home with you every day and will fully admit that this is truly the hardest job in the world. There is a lot of loneliness in the mundane every day tasks I complete for you every day but I often remind myself this is just a season and to soak it in because as you grow I know I’ll look back on these days fondly.
I am still in shock that you’re a year old. We made it and we’re here and you’re thriving and sweet and happy. You are truly THE happiest baby and it always makes me want to be happier too.
I love you my sweet son.
Your dad & I are so grateful for you and thank God for you every single night.