It’s kind of funny, I’m running in late and hot with this post. I mean we are 9 days in to the new year and I’m just now getting around to publish this, but this is just the way my life is right now. A hot mess express, so enjoy!
It’s been a long time since I’ve just sat down and written out some thoughts, feelings, and life happenings. Sometimes I look at this little carved out blog space I’ve had for (almost) 13 years and wonder if it’s worth keeping it up or letting it fade into the mist that seems to be the “old days of blogging”. Seriously, do people even read blogs anymore? I think we’re all very easily sucked in to the constant scrolling, swiping, and saving that is instagram, Pinterest, TikTok, and Facebook. It’s easy to just sit down and watch a video or a pretty picture vs pausing to read real words and process real things…or am I just alone in that?
2022 has been an interesting year.
It’s taught me a lot about myself, my marriage, my friendships, my relationship with the Lord, etc. Each year is one full of learning if we take the time to stop and be introspective about it. I also gauge this year by how quickly my son has grown and all that he has accomplished since the start of last January. He started sitting, crawling, walking, running, climbing, babbling, smiling, showing emotions, learning, eating, having tantrums, etc. It’s WILD to watch a human literally grow from nothing to a full blown person with a personality and likes/dislikes, etc.
I’ve also really seen how much I’ve put myself on the back burner.
I’ve let me health stay in a state of (mostly) subconscious chaos. My anxiety came back full force in ways I wasn’t prepared for, my weight hasn’t changed and not only have I become so self conscious and (strong word) disgusted with myself but my body also hurts and carrying this extra weight is uncomfortable.
I haven’t invested in / been invested in by my friends because, well, life. Life makes us all busy and we all have burdens we’re carrying and sometimes it’s easier to just curl into ourselves instead of allowing others to help carry the pain. I’m also struggling H-A-R-D with numbness right now. With PCS (military move) coming up so quickly, I’m realizing that I’m leaving my security blanket again. It’s a double edged sword because I’ll miss my support system and will have to force myself to change and make changes. Change is hard and good and bad and sorrowful and a fresh start and ALL THE THINGS. So knowing I have to say “see you later” to so many again for a few years makes me just want to numb out and distance myself (not healthy, trust me I know). It can also be hard on Eddie and I because my instinct is to numb out there too knowing I will be riding solo a lot. Last sea duty was really hard but it got significantly lighter when I met my tribe in San Diego and found a group of women I was able to grow, love, serve, and laugh with. I’m really hoping I find those type of connections again in VA. I have a little mental list going of all the things I’m hoping to accomplish and maybe in those future moments where it’s quiet and my son is asleep and Eddie is on the submarine I’ll be able to better write down what all I’m hoping to accomplish.
The last few years I’ve been blissfully able to be dependent on Eddie with certain things (even little things like hanging a picture for me or taking the trash out) and knowing that comping up I’ve got to get back to this mental place of being independent and making things happen on my own. This may sound like a pity party and I’ll probably look back at this post 6 months from now when I’m back in the thick of it and cringe, but I know what’s coming having done sea duty before and it wasn’t fun.
I was just telling someone that my hope for 2023 is that I really want to embrace being uncomfortable and not have a crappy attitude about it. The next few years are going to be really hard and really different with Eddie being gone all the time, being in and a new state with no friends, and doing it all with a kid….it just feels really heavy and overwhelming and I’m not looking forward to it. BUT I know that I’ll need to be uncomfortable to make changes and changes need to happen for growth.
I also recognize that my attitude reflects immediately onto my son’s. If he sees me overwhelmed, scared, frustrated, or angry then he is more easily going to feel those things too. I want to go into this change lighter and with a sense of optimism so he can feel good about it as well.
So here is a small list of some of the things I’m excited about with 2023 and our move:
- Decorating a new house
- Purging through un-used and un-loved items
- Cooking more often because I’ll need to
- Seeing a new area and finding all the hidden gems
- Going to the zoo!
- Going to the Botanical Gardens!
- Living in a place that will have seasons
- Having one less stairwell to watch with a toddler
- Meeting new people
- Exploring new parks
- Finding a new church
- Looking through new antique/thrift stores
- Making my health a priority again
- Reading more books
I hope your 2023 is full of everything you dream of.
Make the changes you need to make to have a life you’re happy to wake up for. <3