If you’ve been around here for a long time then you’ll recognize the title.
Honestly I couldn’t think of anything else to name this post; so it’s fitting that it’s a Friday evening and I’m going to be rather frank right? Although….aren’t I always?
Welcome to some recent happenings/thoughts/stream of consciousness in my life and I hope it makes sense.
You want to know what God’s been teaching me lately?
It’s when you pray for it, it happens one way or the other.
So honestly be careful what you pray for.
I was listening to a song (ok truthfully I was singing it on repeat and praying over it) and it says: “You’re a fire, the refiner, I want to be consumed, until I love like You” and whew am I going through refinement right now.
My anxiety has been at an all time high and it’s almost like God is using this season of anxiety and struggle and frustration to refine these hard areas in my life that I thought time and time again I let go of but obviously haven’t.
For years I’ve prayed for refinement, for betterment, to be more Christ-like and to love as He does. I think in those prayers I completely forgot the process of getting there. Obviously I know what refinement is and that it’s hard and hurts and I’ve been through it before; but the older I get and more mature in my walk with Jesus I have recognized – refinement never stops.
Sometimes you’re completely unaware of it happening as you walk through a season or situation and it just comes more naturally. The middle ground is where you can see that you’re going through a hardship and you’re still open to God’s guidance, presence, and seeing how He moves even when it’s tough. Other times you feel like you’re neck deep in the mud, filth, and gore trying not to breathe it all in and struggling so hard that it hurts.
Being a parent is a level of refinement I never knew I needed to walk through.
Being a solo parent while Eddie is gone is a depth I still can’t wrap my head around most days.
Some areas God has been chiseling away at are: patience, grace, compassion, self control, self discipline, motivation, fellowship, servanthood, gluttony, greed, laziness, and numbness. It kind of feels like being trapped in a shirt that’s too tight in a dressing room. You’re not sure if you can get it off at all, or without ripping it and you’re debating calling out for help because it’s so uncomfortable and your heart rate is rising and embarrassment is sinking in…yeah maybe it’s a little like that.
My bathroom mirror is plastered with words. Scripture, words of encouragement, thoughts, prayers, etc. It’s like I need to read them multiple times a day to help give me the pep talk to make it through. For instance today was an overall good day, it had it’s frustrating moments but looking back it felt normal and productive. Yesterday was a day where my anxiety felt like an anchor wrapped around my entire body pulling me under but I couldn’t address it because I’ve got a child to take care of by myself right now.
Even when I’m not as active reading scripture as I used to be or want to be, God is still pulling me close to Him to hold, comfort, and nurture me. I’m super thankful for that too.
I was at the dentist the other day for a routine cleaning and it was my first time at this office. Everyone was incredibly kind and my dental hygienist and I started a conversation. Somehow we got on the topic of children and she asked how many I had. I told her we had a young son and that more than likely we were one and done. She followed that statement up with “Oh no, you can’t only have one. My mom would always tell me that you can’t have one child because if something were to happen to them you would loose everything.” I just kind of sat there, with my mouth open, absolutely flabbergasted. I responded with; “well, I’m in my mid thirties, my husband is a submariner and is gone 90% of the time during this season, my entire family lives in another state.” I don’t know why I felt the need to even attempt to justify myself to a stranger, let alone when I should have said: “You shouldn’t have multiple children for fear of loosing one”….but I didn’t say that and I did feel like I should justify myself.
I’ve had multiple people make similar statements when I say that we’re pretty sure we’re one and done, things like:
He needs a sibling.
Are you sure?
There’s no way you can have only one.
What will he do when you’re gone?
What will he do when you’re old and he has to take care of you?
Friends, please do not be that person and say those things to others. You don’t know their circumstances and you shouldn’t be an ignorant jerk.
The truth is, I don’t know God’s plan. He could very well bless us with another biological child. Mind you I would be scared and overwhelmed but I know He would handle it.
When I lay all my cards on the table I just don’t see bringing home another biological child to be wise for our family. As I blurted out to a stranger; I’ll be 35 this year (not that having a child at/after this age is any type of way), I’m still in the thick of it with a 21 month old and learning him, my husband is gone a lot, my entire support system is states away, we more than likely have another move in our future that we weren’t expecting. . .and if I’m being frank well I know myself and I know my patience level and it isn’t high. I wasn’t blessed with patience as a virtue and it’s something I have to work on minute by minute especially at Ford’s current age. I know myself well enough to know that I do not think I would do well to add another child into the mix.
Yet that isn’t to say that down the road Eddie and I wouldn’t consider adoption or fostering children; it’s just that right now, in this season, I’m good. I’m more than good to watch my son grow and learn and change. I don’t feel the need to “have more” even if others do.