q || how do you want to be loved…
this question is so hard for me.
i feel like my answers can be contradictory…they overlap and fold in on themselves.
i wonder if i’ve really been loved romantically before.
i’ve been in a handful of relationships – only a very small few were serious and ones i fell in love with.
it gets hard.
it is stunning.
it becomes less of a feeling and more of a choice.
and the cycle starts again.
i want to be loved because i’m chosen to be loved.
not out of obligation or out of timing.
i want to be loved by a man who first loves Jesus.
who uses his failures and his victories to learn and in turn teach.
i want a love that is in pursuit.
a love that is never ending.
a love that while unbearably hard at times – is still worth burning the world down for.
i’m a little hopeless.
a little bitter.
and i will say as long as the day is – i don’t believe it will walk into my life (bitterness i tell you).
but the hopeless one within – still clings to the chance that it is on the horizon.
that my love story is one that will be written.
i wrote this in november of last year.
i was strolling through my draft posts trying to clean up and clear out – when i stumbled upon this.
i remember writing it.
siting down – and just spewing the words out of a really raw and oozing place in my heart.
my life has changed so much in almost a year.
the Lord has broken down so many walls – moved so many mountains – and softened so many edges.
i have that love now.
i actually have tears in my eyes writing that sentence above.
i’m getting married to a man who pursued me even when i ran the opposite direction, someone who continues to pursue me. we’ve been walking through marriage counseling together and learning more and more about how we tick individually and how that can/will move into places of our marriage.
and do you know what i’ve learned?
that i love him as fiercely as he loves me.
currently Eddie is in Charleston with me.
he drove 18 hours through the aftermath of a hurricane (and some of the wind/rain bands still happening) to spend time with me in the town we call home. he’s out fishing today and enjoying our warmer weather – but i noticed something.
we cuddled last night watching harry potter and he fell asleep (a long drive will do that to you).
i found myself watching his eyelashes flutter and his chest rise and fall.
to know that in just under 4 months i will be his wife kind of stills my heart.
this man continues to astound me.
he drives me to be the best version of myself without even realizing it.
i could go on and on…but the truth is – when i wrote the above section i really truly believed this wouldn’t be in the cards for me. I had made my peace with God that if my life wasn’t meant to have this piece of the puzzle then i was ok with it.
i also will never be one of those people that says “give it all over to God and you’ll be meeting your husband within weeks!” because let’s be real a relationship with the Lord doesn’t mean you’ll have a happy romantic relationship.
all of this to say.
this life is full of surprises – both amazing and heart wrenching.
i’m just thankful i get to ride this life out with eddie by my side.
psstt..i got this prompt from hello neverland – she is amazing.