My head has been spinning and my heart feels a little out of control.
I feel like this season of life has become overwhelming at points and right when I get those emotions to a place of being in check I feel them start to spiral again. I ended up live streaming church this past weekend and as I sat in my sunroom with a cup of coffee in hand praising Jesus and listening to some hard and good truths something pastor Brandon said resonated with me in such a soul stirring way.
“We can not allow a season to become a sentence.”
I feel like this season has felt like a sentence and I’ve caged myself in this prison of unfamiliarity. I don’t know how to feel all of these feelings or process them or even how to understand them…and in that mis-understanding I feel like satan has whispered so many lies into me that I’ve believed them to be true.
To break it all down.
The last 14 months have been something I can hardly put into words….or I put too many words to it. At times I’ve felt numb, confused, exhilarated, hopeful, isolated, misunderstood, challenged, strengthened, broken down…and so much more. I really don’t know how to explain how being apart from your partner for that season of time can affect everything. How having limited to zero contact makes you feel like you don’t know how to build on your friendship or your marriage. How even when they are gone and you are able to get an email through that others read them before he does for mission security…and how that makes it feel like our business and our relationship isn’t wholly ours. It’s been exhausting and heart breaking in some waves and in others it’s felt reaffirming and strengthening. I’ve felt like I’ve been wanting people to commiserate in the pain with me (something I am SUPER unfamiliar with because I do not do sympathy from others well) and It’s been hard to express that’s what I want and how to help because I don’t know how I could have even been helped.
It’s hard to look at the last year and see where I’ve come to physically.
I was working out regularly and eating well and the weight still crept on. My sleep schedule was thrown off from working a job that required me to be awake at 4 or 5 am for 5 days a week. Then when my injury happened (trochanteric bursitis) and I was forced to stop all physical activity it wrecked my mind. Getting to a place where I’m having to redefine what fitness looks like to me has been something that I haven’t fully reached.
I was just talking to a friend last night and she reminded me…
…my self image should not be tied to my health.
That is SO HARD FOR ME.
When I am at a place of being overweight I can’t seem to see past it, and I know that isn’t healthy.
I’ve also spent the last year re-defining friendship and it’s still something that is being defined (isn’t it always). I’ve taken into value not only what I need but what I can give, and what I need to learn to give more of. I’ve delved deeper into friendships and have been blessed to the max, I’ve lost friendships that cut deeply. I’ve seen that I desire more and to give more in regards to relationships.
Church has been a struggle for me.
I didn’t seem to feel connected to anyone place when I came back. I had changed, my walk with Jesus had changed, and I felt like what I left a few years ago wasn’t what I was walking back into so I had been searching. I think I’ve found a place where Eddie & I will be able to plug into and love on others and be loved on by others well.
These are just small glimpses into where my mind and my heart have been lately; a small explanation as to the why there have been so many gaps between posts. I think it boils down to I just haven’t known how to share this season of my story. I have felt defeated and broken and maybe afraid people would think all I did was complain or throw myself pity parties.
I don’t want this season of confusion to be a sentence any longer.
I want freedom.
I need freedom.
And I know that it is not only coming but it is here.
Jesus is always healing me, always helping me, always comforting me.
If you’re interested in hearing the sermon from this past Sunday ( it’s on anxiety but honestly, it’s just one of the best things to listen to at any season) you can watch/listen here.
So there you have it friends.
A moment of vulnerability where I crack myself open to remind myself and you that life isn’t always perfect even if it looks like it. I think, actually I KNOW, there is a chord that tethers us to one another when we share our lives.